God gave me home…

I was a little nervous and apprehensive about writing this blog, I was nervous to really tell every one how my heart really was this month. I have gotten use to the usual “I am doing good”, “God is doing huge things this month”, “God is teaching me a lot this month” answers. I felt like those where the answers that as a missionary I was suppose to give. I wasn’t suppose to give the answer of “Actually I am not doing well, this has been the hardest month and I just want to be home right now”. That was not the answer that I felt many people would understand back home or the answer that many of my supporters would like to hear. Well, I had to get over that quickly and my team mates where quick to call me out on that. So hear it goes…….My heart is hurting a lot, this has been the hardest month so far on the trip, I really want to be home with my family right now, and I have never felt such a spiritual heaviness in a place as much as I do in Patong. Okay whew there it is…..okay I guess now you deserve an explanation as to why I am feeling this way 🙂

At the beginning of the month in Bangkok I received an e mail from my dad letting me know that one of my friends from back home had been killed. I was in shock! I kept reading it over and over …Amanda Taylor was killed. I kept reading it hoping that I had read it wrong. I wanted nothing more then to be at home with my family and friends, especially my sister because it was one of her best friends. Here I am about to be helping with sex trafficking and prostitution in Patong, fighting for women who have never been fought for and I can’t even find thoughts to form a sentence to talk to these women, because my heart is hurting so much for what is going on back home. I told myself that I would not let my team mates know that I do not want to be here in Patong right now, that I don’t want to be going out at night helping these women because all I can think about is Amanda. I did not want to tell them that because I thought they would judge me for my heart not being in the ministry we are doing this month. I began feeling guilty because there were so many other girls that would die to be where I am right now, who’s hearts break for these women here, who signed up for this trip for the exact purpose of helping with human sex trafficking. I began struggling asking God why he chose me to be here, when my heart isn’t here right now. This was an on going battle I had with in that I was to afraid to voice. Slowly I began to grieve Amanda and I began to become more focused on having a heart for these women in Patong. When next thing I know I am handed another situation at home……

I opened my e mail yesterday and had an e mail from my dad. In it the message let me know that my uncle David had a brain tumor and was going in for surgery. The wind was taken right out of me. My uncle is one of the most amazing men I have ever met. We are extremely close. After the surgery they removed the tumor and did testing. The results are… he has glioblastoma, a very aggressive form of brain cancer, they were able to remove the tumor but the cancer has spread to other parts of his brain. He begins chemo therapy and radiation next week. I even as I am typing this am thinking to myself this can’t be real. This can’t be happening.

God why is all of this happening? I am half way around the world. Literally half way around the world. My heart should be here in Patong with the women on Bangla road, but my heart is thousands of mile away back in Orlando, Florida. I began feeling guilty again for wanting more than anything in the world to be home right now. I expressed this to my team mates with my eyes closed in fear of what they might say. Leisa, an amazing women I have had the privilege of spending time with this month said something that has resonated with me, she said; ” Kendall you are not wanting home God is giving you home.” I realized that it is okay to want home because he has given me a heart for people at home. It is okay for me to want to be home with the people I love more than anything because they are still my life. Just because I am on this trip for a year does not negate the people at home being a HUGE part of my life. I can’t expect things at home to stand still (even though I sometimes wish) while I am gone for a year. It’s okay to say “I want to be home right now” home still exist even though I am traveling around the world for a year.

Okay! So that was a lot to say all at once to you guys. So my answer for how I am is  ” I am having a really hard month, the hardest month so far on the trip, I am sad, my heart has not been in Patong.” Whew there we go again I said it. With that being said though I know God is still God, I know that he is still in control, I know he has a plan and a purpose in all of this. I know that during this time of being sad that I have a God that will comfort me and embrace me. I know that even though my heart hasn’t fully been in Patong that God has still continued to due huge things this month in this city. I still have a reason to worship, I have so many reasons to worship. I still have a reason to sing at the top of my lungs. He has been teaching me the power of prayer…which will be a whole other blog 🙂 Thanks to everyone who has been there for me this month, you guys mean more to me than you will ever realize.

** Please keep the Taylor family in your prayers. It has been tough year for them a few months ago they also lost their mother to cancer. They are an amazing family so please keep them in your prayers**
**Also continue to pray for my Uncle David I know we serve a huge God who can heal. I know God is working in all of this. Keep my Aunt Rose in your prayers, ahh I love that women more than I can even begin to explain. She is amazing but needs your comfort and prayers during this time**