” You are all together beautiful my darling beautiful in everyway”
“Song of Solomon 4:7
“You are my BELOVED..You are Kendall”: God
But God, I find my worth in the things of this world. I find my worth in guys. I find my worth in drinking. I find my worth in apperance. I find my worth in anything and everything I can physicaly see and touch and I can’t see or touch you. : Kendall (spoken Aug 2003)
” I want you to trust me enough to let me love you, I want you to stay here with me so we can build a relationship together. That, is what I want.”: God
God, I will not find my satisfaction in you now. I will not find my self worth in you. I can’t even see you; I can’t even hear you. God, you are too distant. God, I am too young to follow you. God, I will not find my joy in you but rather in the earthly relationship I am in now. : Kendall ( Dec 2003-May 2005
“Give your pain to me”: God
God I don’t think the physical and emotional pain I am going through right now can be healed by you. I brought this on myself. My heart is broken and I am in despair. I don’t know what to do, why are you so far away?: Kendall (May 2005-July 2005)
“Do you understand? She’s part of my flesh and my life. When you say things against her, you say them against me. When you hurt her, you hurt me. Do you understand.”: God speaking to Satan
God is there even a piece of me left? What do I have to offer God? I have given every part of me away. I am nothing and I have nothing to give. Why do you save me?: Kendall
“Because I love you” : God
I am too ashamed! I have to much guilt! How can I even begin to walk in your presence. How do I even accept your grace that you pour down to me freely? How can I share with other people when I have destroyed everything inside of me? How can you love me and call me your daughter? How can you call me by name?: Kendall ( February 17, 2010)
“I love you, when are you going to understand I am committed to you?”: God
“Come Forth, Beloved!”: God (spoken to me last night February 17, 2010)
The quotes from God were written in the book “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. I read this book and did not think in a million years that it would speak so loudly to me. It was things that God was trying to tell me over and over and over for the past 8 years. I did not realize that I still carried so much guilt and shame with me to this day. I did not realize how much I struggled with believing that once I fully gave my life over to Christ that he washed me clean. There had been this wall for the past 8 months or so that I could not figure out, this void. I couldn’t feel God intimately, I had no emotion and it was tearing me apart because I could not figure it out. What was wrong with me? Why was God not speaking to me? Why was I not feeling him? Why was I not able to grow and move forward in my relationship with Christ?
I realized that it wasn’t God distancing himself from me. It was me placing a barrier between me and Him because I did not feel worthy of all of his love. I did not feel worthy enough to be his instrument in reaching out to the lost and the hurting. I was not a good enough vessel because I had destroyed and corrupted it so much over the last few years. I know now that those are lies Satan and the world had been feeding me and now I must silence those lies and open my ears to only hear the words my Father is crying out to me…
“YOU ARE AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY BELOVED.”
