I have been fighting the growing awareness of the constant presence of the curious eyes all around me. More often than not, I feel resentful at the reality that my teammates and I are constantly being watched. No matter where we go, what we are doing: the monotony of it all is irrelevant.
When we are in public, people stare. Getting groceries? Stares. Riding in the back of an auto? Walking in the villages? Being thrown on stage into an Indian wedding? Answer is obvious. Just standing? More stares.
On a good day, it can be entertaining. Made more into a game than an irritation. If people are so fascinated by the foreigners, might as well humor them. Make their day a little brighter by being slightly ridiculous. Give them the chance to say in Telegu, “I saw this silly foreign girl today waving frantically half hanging out of an auto today!” So another teammate or two and myself will make a game of it and wave to passing children or women.
Some days however, you want nothing more than to just escape the pressure of ensuring you are not offending others with your speech, your actions, or your lack of action. Where all the verses you underline in your bible include themes of “hiding beneath the shadow of His wings.” Where you daydream about glaring back at those unrelenting eyes of men that do not take the subtle hints that Americans generally observe, such as the unspoken “someone catches you staring, you immediately avert eye contact.” Somehow they missed the memo here. Where you thank the Lord you are not a celebrity because you know you would be one of the “crazies” who punch paparazzi in the face.
So instead, you bite your tongue and try to assume the best about their motivations. Then you go back to the room you share with fifteen other girls and the bathroom you share with them, plus some, and you just pray for a moment of privacy in the chaos that so often ensues.
Humans as a whole, I am fully convinced, want little more than to be seen, truly seen, and accepted. t to be gawked at, but to be known for who they are at their core: strengths, weaknesses, dreams, desires, quirks, flaws, and still be welcomed back again. When you are living with forty some odd other people who technically, literally see you most of every day, you would think that the craving to be known would be satisfied. There is a huge difference however in your eyes registering the environment and people’s appearances around you versus really seeing a person’s heart. I have desperately been craving the latter lately and I was blessed by my squad tonight as they showed me that they do see my heart, and to have spoken truth over me. That helped unleash in me this passion that has been stifled and reminded me of a quote that has stuck with me throughout the years.“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” -Marianne Williamson
I firmly believe that.
I have this longing, deep in my core, that I rarely speak aloud. I have little experience with, much hesitation in stepping into, but an even greater desire to pursue and fight for. I want to step into the authority that Christ has given me. I don’t know specifically what that looks like, or where to begin, but month by month, I feel as though He is slowly preparing me for something bigger. Every once in awhile, such as today, I will have these days where I feel like I am living out of who I am at my core. Who my Creator and Redeemer says I am, and that woman is bold. That woman fights for truth and for freedom. That woman does not settle for sub-par because she knows who she is, and more than that, who her life belongs to.
Perhaps the unwelcome stares aren’t motivated by simple curiosity at a foreigner. A Christian. An American. A white person. A beautiful woman. A louder than average entrance. Perhaps my squad, team, and myself carry a certain weight, a certain freedom, an authority about us that hints to others that there is something different, something that, try as you may, cannot be fully ignored. That light, love, and fire of passion to proclaim freedom over those held in captivity cannot be contained and consequently demands attention. Perhaps in just simply being the woman God has already enlightened me that I am and not living out of a place of fear or reservations, it speaks truth to others. I am afraid of failure, but honestly, oftentimes I am more afraid of “success”. Loving others boldly, preaching to villages, being playful and eccentric, to live out of a place knowing I am beautiful and bold. Who I am at my core are those things, and I have so often held back who I am out of fear. Fear of what? That it is too much? That this louder woman with a strong voice and strong opinions will either annoy others at best, or at worst, feed the lie to others that they cannot live out of a place of boldness.
How quick we are to believe the lies our minds, the world, Satan all tell us. I believe both vulnerability and true freedom are both contagious. When you live out of your core, solid confidence in who Christ says you are, it gives others permission to do the same. I am so tired of holding myself back out of fear, or out of apathy. The world needs way more pure passion in this life. Those willing to step up and fight. I am done hiding.
