My earliest memory of creating was when I was about 3 or 4 and I thought the cement filling between the bricks around the fireplace needed some color. Crayon in hand I diligently tried scribbling on the rough surface before my parents caught me. Apparently it wasn’t ok to color on more than just paper. If you would’ve asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was a tie between Zookeeper and artist, and my parents kept encouraging my gift by taking me to summer art camps or letting me paint my room walls (God bless them because it got crazy sometimes). There was no question of my abilities through Middle School and High School as I consecutively won the “Most Artistic” award every year.
College is when God really began to show me the amazing connection of this gift to who he is as the ultimate creator. I look at my two hands that sometimes have ink stains and am left in awe at what I can do when I have a brush or pencil. Then I think of that exciting feeling when I have a new idea and I’ll literally spend hours on it until it’s done and I collapse in my bed satisfied. How much more delight does the Lord take in us? Have you ever seen a sculpture or drawing that “looks like it’s alive”? Oh how we try to create life, but all we can do is mimic it.
I heard a quote recently that says “the more you know the artist, the better you understand the work and his design.” When we struggle to understand aspects of who we are we need but look to the one who created us. For we are created in His image, we reflect the artist’s heart. On my race I purposefully left my laptop behind because I was tired of creating. I didn’t want anything to do with design anymore and it was mostly because I was annoyed of being labeled “the creative one.” There was so much more to me and it felt like that’s all people saw. In that selfish mindset Jesus was quick to correct and remind that he gave me those gifts as a blessing for others, not to satisfy my own desires. I was convicted of rejecting a big part of who God made me to be.
This past season here in Georgia was a redeeming one because he changed my heart in how I viewed my creative talents, but especially in how I view myself. If you’ve ever seen a Jackson Pollock painting they’re a scribbled mess of drippy splatters that make no sense, but when you get really close you see the layers of paint with traces of broken glass and cigarette ash. From afar I couldn’t appreciate the complexity of who God made me to be, but when I got over my fears and leaned in closely I began to see traces of his finger prints and the hidden things he placed within that make me beautiful. Parts that I thought were trashy and messy are overshadowed by the layers he covers me with his grace and truth so when I step back out again I see everything with a sense of reverence.
It’s one thing to examine something up close and personal, but entirely different when you put that work on display with a light shining on it for all to see. I was terrified during my senior art show because I had spent countless hours and long nights making these pieces I was really proud of, but I had no idea what other people would think. When Jesus told me to start shining the light on myself and allow other people to examine what work was taking place within I was not about that life. What I didn’t realize though is he wanted people to see the mistakes that make me unique and appreciated. I still really struggle with it, but instead of trying to cover it with another layer I’m letting it be.
I count it an incredible privilege that I get to make art for a living, and getting to see the joy it brings people gives me so much life. Where words fail God gives me a picture to encourage someone. When I’m stuck he tells me to pause for a second and take a step back and rest. The more I seek Him, the more I understand myself and how I can freely walk in that fullness. Reflecting back on everything, I think I finally understand when scripture says God is doing a work in us for his own good pleasure. I don’t really ever create to impress anymore, but because a little 30 minute drawing makes me happy. Like a kid I do sometimes like to show off to my roommates who humor me.
