I’ve been home a month now. We all just celebrated Christmas, and I’m drowning in a feeling that is reminiscent of waking up from a vivid dream. The whole previous night I spent a good two hours going back through my Instagram reviewing all the things I posted in the past year. “I rode an elephant…what? Oh yeah I forgot about that place in Bulgaria! Man we laughed so hard that day in Zambia.” I lived a spectacular adventure filled with trials, victories, encounters, and countless precious moments I hope to never forget. If history has taught us anything our minds are fickle things. Already some stuff has begun to fade and it saddens my heart.
What I’m afraid of being home is missing God. It’s easy when you go door to door in Africa or play with orphans in Cambodia. Lucy shows similar concern when Aslan tells her it’s the last time she will return to Narnia. He comforts her saying, “This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.” I have given a year to seeking the Lord in places and faces expecting him to show me more of him, and he did not disappoint. After living in my Narnia I wonder how God will keep things lively for me now. I’m ruined for the ordinary as our squad coach Phil says. I am. I so am. It’s strange sitting and people walking by without a second glance and understanding everything that is being said. The lie to believe I am no different taps in the back of my mind, but I know better. I’m wondering if something is wrong with me because I haven’t cried yet. Like, really cried. The mad rush to get our packs and to our gates made the goodbyes feel unceremoniously incomplete. There were some good friends I never got to hug and bring to a close all that we had been through. I know it’s not final though. Our paths will cross again in a different way.
I’ve struggled the first week with the pettiness that seems to permeate people’s concerns and conversations. There is an underlying expectation I sense of when I’m going to get my life back in order and start working to pay off my student loan debt and just be another responsible adult. Welcome back to the real world, right? Wrong. I absolutely refuse to believe that’s what “real world” standards look like; or what normal is. How we live life here is anything but normal by biblical example. I’m uncomfortable in my comforts, easy access to optional desires, and independence. I feel like a piece that has been removed from a bigger source because I finally had the revelation of what it was like to be a part of the body.
I’m having to ask God to teach me how to see and love as he does just like I did while I was gone. I can’t rely on familiarity anymore. I have to ask God to show me what he’s already doing and what part I’m meant to play for now. Peter had a hard time adjusting to being back in London after reigning as High King in Narnia for so many years. He knew who he was and he knew his authority, as did those he ruled. In London he felt like a nobody and fought to prove his place and despised where he was. The way I see it, I’m not much different than Peter. I’ve tasted and seen the sweetest of loves. How can anything here even compare? That’s the lie isn’t it? To compare.
I stand on what I know, and that is I am changed, I’m not alone, God is doing a great work here as well, and what I do here in this time is just as impactful. My heart still wanders to those special moments, but I don’t let myself get lost in them and miss out on the new. I refuse to become bitter and heard-hearted which leaves me open to longing and heartache. It’s how I know I’m still growing. The distractions are endless, and if I’m honest with myself, and all of you, I’ve hardly spent time with the Lord as I aught. Thank God for grace.
While I still get my legs underneath me I’m hopeful for what it is to come even though what I have in front of me seems monumentous. I try not to force things though our culture has a demanding undertone. In God’s subtle way he reminded me of something on Christmas. I was given a gift by my best friend; a decorative picture that says “be still.” I laughed because the verse God has wanted me to live by is Psalm 46:10, “be still, and know that I am God.” So I actively wait and take in the innumerable blessings until I know my next move, and that’s ok.
