Our team is pretty chatty and most of us cannot communicate without using our hands. I threw out the fun idea of casting lots on who would have to have their hands bound for a whole day with the exception of going to the bathroom and doing ministry. Guess who lost…awesome.
At first I didn’t think much of it, but then I began to ponder how I was going to get dressed, brush my teeth, feed myself…and so my ego took a knock. I was gonna have to ask my teammates for everything. God began this lesson a little bit in Malawi and less than a week here I was going to learn about it in another way. I started thinking about how clever I could be at finding ways to still take care of myself. Now it became a game. Breakfast was easy enough. My teammates made my toast and brought me juice, but I could still use my thumbs to pick up the toast and use my forearms to pick up my cup to drink. Brushing my teeth was not as smooth. Ariah had to do it and between the hysterical laughter and her trying to brush my tongue I choked. We had ministry at the school teaching English so I got a break for a couple hours. When we got back I stayed to take pictures for a class that was taking place at our YWAM base we’re staying at. Afterwards though the rope was back on.
Since activity was limited I decided to prop up my iPad and just read until everyone got back. I spent 5 minutes using my mouth, Nalgene, and iPad stand to get it propped up. The accomplishment was satisfying so I triumphantly sat down to continue reading Scary Close by Donald Miller. A few minutes later my teammates were back from the orphanage and I asked how it all went. After a debrief I was complimented on my dedication to rebinding my hands and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Even to the point to where I told about my geniusly successful attempt to get my iPad set up. I was complimented again and got back to my reading. Now if you haven’t read Scary Close, do it. It’s by far one of Miller’s best books and the most raw; the majority of the book talks about him facing his deepest insecurities and accomplishment complex. Didn’t take long after sitting back down I realized, just like Miller, I was an accomplishment addict. My little success with my iPad was enough to make me lean back in my chair and realize how ridiculous I was being. Worst part is there was someone sitting 4 feet away I could’ve just turned around to ask if they could set my iPad up for me, but no. In that moment I thought of the part in Peter Pan after Wendy sewed his shadow back on and he jumps up in triumph proclaiming, “oh the cleverness of me!” -head meet table-
In that sobering moment my fragile pride bubble deflated and I stared at my iPad pretending like I was reading. I reflected back on last month when I was challenged to spend that alone time with God without an agenda. While it was primarily to grow in intimacy with him, it was was also because I was called out on taking confidence in accomplishing tasks. One thing you develop is a slight love/hate for still having someone around from your previous team that knows you probably better than you know yourself. I give the hate glare, but inside I’m always thankful for it. Jerk…
By dinner I took the rope off because Ariah wanted to play cards and by that point I had learned my lesson. How often do we build ourselves up over something as silly like my iPad moment? I could only imagine how much God was laughing at my ridiculousness, but we do it all the time daily. God will not say “well done good and faithful servant for folding your underwear.” I am not storing up treasures in heaven for finding a successfully complicated method to setting up my iPad and feeling like MacGyver. My team is not going to be impressed and love me more for it. If they were there they would probably laugh and lovingly call me a goofball as they set it up for me.
We want credit. We want acknowledgment. We want acceptance. And we will do the dumbest things to gain an ounce of it. Miller says:
“The problem is this: those of us who are never satisfied with our accomplishments secretly believe nobody will love us unless we’re perfect…It’s all connected with the belief human love is conditional. But human love isn’t conditional. No love is conditional. If love is conditional, it’s just some sort of manipulation masquerading as love.”
He really knows how to drop the mic. That last line threw me for a loop because it totally calls out this concept we teach in church about conditional love. That subject alone can be a whole other blog for another day. Sticking with the point though, I am now faced with the humbling reality of my addiction and working to pinpoint the triggers.
This month we’re staying at a YWAM base and ministry is usually a day to day thing which has been the most unknown month for us so far. We also have 2 Exposure girls which are people ages 18-21 that are too young for the race but still want to experience what it’s like so they do life with us for a month. There’s a lot of new things to experience and I’m excited to see what God has in store. Until then, catch you on the flip side!
