Before I dive into a recap of last month I’ll answer some questions I asked some of you to pose:
1. What was the biggest thing I saw God do?
We actually had a couple healings on our squad. The greatest though could not be seen, but felt. It was a month of emotional healing for many and restoration from things past. Chains were broken, tears were shed, and praises given.
2. Have I had any moment where I was overwhelmed with emotion?
YES. More than once. God has really been working on my heart this month and it’s been brutal, but worth it. I’ll explain the rest in the blog.
3. Biggest culture shock? What have I learned about other cultures that I want to bring back?
Philippines was pretty laid back and a lot like home, Thailand obviously has some big differences. Culture shock wise it was when we visited the Buddhist temples because to actually see and in some cases tangibly feel the heaviness here from idol worship was a wake up call. I’d like to take home the politeness and sense of respect. We would sometimes walk to a garden and the guard there would always smile and salute a hello.
4. Coolest site I’ve seen?
We visited an old temple along the Mae Ping river that was lesser known by tourists and the place where most of the locals went. Along the river were some wooden benches and tables under ornately carved stone pillars holding up a just as impressive roof with steps leading down to the river. Since it was one of our morning prayer walks I took one of the benches and popped in my headphones. Watching the sunrise over river with the light reflecting off the gold of the temple made everything feel like it was glowing. It may not have been a house of God but you could certainly feel his presence.
5. Have I raised anyone from the dead yet?
Sadly no lol. That opportunity has not arisen.
I said it before, but this month was a rough one. I was dealing with a roller coaster of emotion and there seemed to be no way off. To make things worse it felt like I had dumped a paint bucket of a mess and was frantically trying to clean it up lest other people tread through the spill. Despite my best efforts that was not the case. So I did what any self respecting introvert would do, I tried to withdraw. Fail again. Didn’t matter how much I attempted to drown out my thoughts with music, read, or keep busy with projects; I felt suffocated and like I was a massive failure. Whatever control I was grasping for wasn’t there. What really freaked me out was realizing my normal outlets for such instances weren’t optional. I didn’t have my video games, I couldn’t go on a walk with my dog, golfing was out of the question. Through my frantic journaling Holy Spirit gently posed a simple question: why do you always feel the need to do something? In that moment I finally got the revelation that even at home my coping mechanisms were still something I had control over and typically it was an activity. Being still was not plausible because it meant having to let things come as they may and being forced to face them as well as feeling like nothing was being accomplished. And here I was having no other option.
So I sat. Eyes closed, and trembling with anxiety for what would come my way.
If you ever heard the song “Car Radio” by Twenty One Pilots it hits home. Premise of it being the radio in his car was missing which meant he’s forced to sit in silence and face his fears without the safe distraction of music. I had to face my fears and humble myself. God was teaching me to surrender a lot of things and I had already forgotten the key fundamental that this is not my race, the relationships I build cannot be earned, the lives I impact are not through my kind of love, and my understanding was not going to be enough. I was being reduced to a stumbling child.
I had to have some hard conversations with some friends and do some repenting with God. It was raw and exhausting, but whatever it took to get right with him again I was willing to do so I could grow. The hard part was not comparing or looking to others first, and still is, but I know my heart is changing. Going into this next month I purged my phone and iPad of games or anything else that I thought I would use to try and hide behind. Though we have wifi again I’m only checking it for 5 minutes and turning my focus on the kids we’re serving. I know healing comes when the attention is off ourselves and we turn our heart to the needs of others. I want to invest in my teammates on a more personal level and let God show me how to love them each uniquely. This is a training month. God wants our all or nothing, and I’m prepared to give him just that. We’ll see how it goes when the squad is together again on travel day, but that’s in his hands to and I’m ok with that.
I’m tired of fearing man over him. I’m tired of hiding behind easy escapes instead of giving him the opportunity to love on me in how I need in the moment, I’m tired of pretending like something doesn’t bother me when it does and attempting to bury it for the sake of saving face or thinking I’m doing everyone a favor. Basically I’m tired of cleaning myself up and letting him only step in when it’s those hard to reach places. I want to give him room from start to finish. I’m blessed to have friends on the squad who push in with me and realize that though they might get someone’s mess dumped on them they also grasp it as an opportunity for God to pull things out of them as well.
I find it fitting we get to work with orphans this month. We haven’t been here a whole week yet and they already have taught me a huge amount I’m excited to share in my next blog, and God has been using them to heal some areas in my heart. Until then, catch you on the flip side.
