Friday it finally happened. I had a meltdown. The cause being sheer mental exhaustion from not getting enough sleep among other things. I curled up in a ball on my top bunk tears streaming down my face just seething in anger from letting myself get to this point. This month has been quite the exploration of my identity and learning to lean on God to teach me things more than ever, and if I’m going to be completely honest it’s been the most frustrating, emotional, and tiring learning curve I’ve ever had to go through. We were told during debrief week to be aware of comparison, but in my naive pride I thought to myself I had most of it under control or at the very least was aware of my triggers. True to his character God immediately began digging up some dirt and I found myself scrambling through a whirlpool of emotion and assumptions that was causing me to make short comments and want to withdraw. What terrified me most was how this was affecting relationships and especially distracting me from ministry.
I’ve said it before, I don’t do the feels, but after speaking with my team I had asked them early on to hold me accountable and began pressing in even if I didn’t want to. I was embarrassed to ask and lovingly they told me to take the day and just sleep. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I knew I needed it. I hated the idea of missing ministry, but I wasn’t going to be of any help with my attitude. So, I plugged in my headphones and tried to relax. I was out for 6 hours of the day. Deep, undisturbed sleep. While I was sleeping I had a dream I was walking through a field to a small creek and sat under a bushy tree. A few seconds after another person came and sat beside me. I never glanced up, but I knew who it was. We didn’t talk. He never glanced my way either. When I started to stir, the words “be still” gently wafted through the air and I’d get comfortable again. I never wanted it to end.
I’m sure there’s a bunch of symbolism that can be pulled from this, but that’s not what I think the point of this dream is. “Be still, and know that I am God,” is Psalm 46:10, or in another translation it says “cease striving, and know that I am God.” That verse has been on my heart for over a year, and now it’s at the forefront again to remind me of where my heart needs to be, and that’s resting in Him. However I feel that I have been stuck on this perpetual trip of figuring out what that looks like. In a nutshell, do I fear man or God more? And by fear, it’s not just an “I’m afraid” feeling, it can be awe, reverence, etc. This has been a struggle most of my life, as this is no different from the next person. I am just so sick and tired of being self conscious of every action i take and why because that means I am too focused on self and not God.
This week our team is partnering with two others for bar ministry and we will be going into bars to befriend the girls, patrons, and owners. Honestly I don’t feel anywhere near qualified to do this because I suck at small talk and I’m not even sure how I could relate, but it’s not about me is it? It’s about them. How Jesus loves them and his heart breaks for them, and who am I to let my fears of inadequacy get in the way of showing that to them? Because by who’s standards am I deeming myself as such? I want love, acceptance, and my value to be fulfilled just as much as they do.
I had a SQL (squad leader) ask me a simple question: how do I define relentless? The answer I gave then was a little different, but later that day I meditated on it more and wrote down “a consistent pursuit that’s neither overbearing or underwhelming, but steady and rooted in selfless determination for another.” Sounds a lot like Jesus’ heart for us doesn’t it? I want this to be my heart with every relationship I am intentional with whether it’s for the next week or lifetime. I believe as I go out to these places, Jesus will keep changing my heart toward this so I am set free from the fear of man within and know how to stand when it tries to come against. To “love radically” like the recent hashtag I’ve been using on my status updates. Something about that phrase just pings with me right now. Isn’t that what the race is about? Isn’t that what our lives are supposed to be about? A radical, relentless pursuit of love that is more than a feeling and half-assed words to appease the person you’re trying to console? Or is it an attempt to appease the pseudo emptiness you feel? Jesus is giving me snippets of this radical love he has for me and the people here and it’s become my relentless pursuit.
God is just wrecking my heart and mind on this right now and I feel both a vulnerable mess and empowered. A longing to get over myself and not just see a person, but know them. I mean really know them. Do you know how precious a privilege that is when God reveals a piece of a persons heart to you so that you have an opportunity to love them in the way they need at that moment to show that he cares enough for them? It’s so beautifully humbling. I am never truly needed, but I am chosen to be a part of something bigger.
I’ve been going through Ephesians right now and the first 21 verses of chapter 5 is where I am meditating on. The heading in my bible says “Be Imitators of God,” and I challenge you to read it for yourself to get where I’m coming from. What God is teaching me, or has taught me this month is setting the standard for my race, and well after. I wouldn’t have begun to understand the depths and freedom of this if I wasn’t willing to change and be humbled how he saw fit. It’s not just a matter of letting go and entrusting relationships at home, but especially here with my squadmates and the people we will be loving on in all of the places we visit. It’s so hard for me to be intentional knowing it probably won’t be reciprocated or seeing it’s not, but I’m learning that’s ok because I have to trust what God is doing in them, me, and between us.
I will fear the Lord, and love radically.
