A couple questions I get a lot in regards to the race is “why are you doing this?” and “what are you going to do after?” Typically it’s the latter. I find it amusing because I have no clue. Who would? I’m going to be a completely different person when I get back. My perspective on everything will be different. I won’t have any money or a job to pick back up. One thing I do know is I won’t be going back to a regular desk job. I can’t. I can hardly focus now as it is. My heart is for what’s out there. All I know is this trip is an open door to something I can’t see yet. I’m basically peeking through the keyhole. For once I’m ok with it. Through a series of events leading up to this God has been teaching me how to live the day to day. I’m a planner. I like knowing what’s coming up and if anything I have an issue with overcommitting. This whole trip has a big question mark on it. God only knows (literally) what is going to happen after I step on that plane to our first destination. Which leads to the first question of why I’m doing this.
Truth be told I’m not even sure. I’ve always had the desire since early in college but I never had the opportunity to do one. You read right. I’ve never been on a mission trip and I’m crazy enough to choose 11 months. Anyone who knows me well enough can tell you I’m all or nothing. I love experiencing new cultures and how they live. I don’t have a heart geared toward a specific kind of missionary work (i.e. sex trafficking). My heart is set on seeing the potential in others and wanting to help them see themselves as God does and bring that out. I want to see the light come on and a joy fill them like they’ve never experienced and spread their wings for the first time. To tell someone they’re cherished and they do have a purpose. All I know is I came to a point where I was tired of solving the world’s problems at Starbucks with my friends, and then end up not doing much about it.
I’m drawn to this because I want to experience more than what I think I know. I’m uncomfortably comfortable if that makes any sense. Like I have reached that place where I am doing what I went to school for. I have great family and friends. I love my church community. One of my future teammates made a great comparison in her blog about being like the rich young ruler in scripture. Jesus called him to give everything away and follow him, but he left disappointed. At first I looked at all of this as me sacrificing my comfort and securities, but it’s not like that at all. It will still be there when I come back. I’m simply putting it aside for a time. What God is calling me to do isn’t a sacrifice. It’s a trade up for something more. More growth, more anointing, more of Him. He wants us to see if we will loosen our grip on what we hold most dear and put it in his hands to take care of.
So after working another 12 hour day, again, it’s hard to keep perspective and stay positive. There are times when preparing for all of this feels like a chore, but that’s when I need to do a heart check. When that happens I know the focus has turned inward on myself. My prayer recently has been to have a greater increase of meekness, tenderness, patience (I shudder at that one because it typically means having to go through something), and to go past conditional love into God’s love. All of this is so beyond myself and yet at the same time God is breaking and remolding my image. What will that be like when I’m over there?
I’m so blessed to do this, even more blessed by how many have shown support whether it’s donations, prayer, or something as simple as buying my lunch to help me save. It’s the little things. It’s always been the little things. Too often we miss them because we’re looking for the big. I know when I’m over there the little things we do is like a tidal wave for the kingdom. Playing with an orphan, befriending prostitutes, hanging with my team. Connecting. It’s beautiful to think about. I’ll be loving on strangers of a totally different tribe and tongue, yet they’re family. My heart is to love them as He does and go beyond my capacity.
