You read it right… I ugly cried.
Snot, loud weird sounds, tears flowing in constant streams down my face… the whole bit.
“I HIT A WALL,” I wailed, as I hit my head on a wall, pressing my swollen face (accompanied by a single nerve emerging from my forehead, mind you) with tracks of streaked mascara running down my rosy cheeks imprinting on the wall.
While I could spare you what led me up to this moment, I feel like God is asking me to share it. Vulnerability is what unites us, right?
For starters, it has certainly been a SEASON. High expectations, lots of pressure, little rest… yikes.
Between graduating with a Master’s degree without a full-time job and KNOWING fully that God’s sovereign hand was in the situation (but feeling alone in affirming the truth of where He was leading me), to getting accepted on the World Race in a season where I felt far from myself and had been spending time with God only when it was convenient… you get it.
Lot’s of transition, little self grace.
Between huffing and puffing during my monologue-of-an-outcry to my sweet roommate, Claire, who sat with me and listened to me at my worst, God revealed a few lessons to me.
First, growth doesn’t come from comfort.
I know this. I’ve learned this over and over again. And yet, here I am sitting here in discomfort wondering why I have to go through hardships to learn the thing.
I’ve romanticized the concept of “discomfort” and have somehow convinced myself that all of the seasons of my life that I have grown the most had little to do with being uncomfortable.
WRONG. Lol, self. You can’t grow in comfort… you’ll only stay comfortable and stagnant. When things get messy, chaotic, and untamed, that’s when you have to reprioritize… you have to change up the way you do things… you have to acknowledge the crap and make decisions to change your outlook on the situation. You have to lean on God, lean on others, and ask for help. You know you can’t do it alone… otherwise, your situation would be different.
When we press into the discomfort, when we take the time to sort through the crap, when we endure the hard times, we learn new things about ourselves.
Our outlook on life changes, our burden becomes lighter, and we gain a larger perspective of a situation we had previously had a limited perspective on.
Specifically for me: Like I mentioned in my first blog post, I’m self-reliant. My independence gets me in trouble sometimes. I like to think I can handle things on my own with my optimism, creativity, strategy, and big-picture perspective… but YO, God loves to get my attention.
My prayer was that I would grow in dependence… so obviously I was placed in situations where I would be forced into not controlling situations.
FUNDRAISING.
I can’t fundraise $17,000 by myself. I can’t ask God for $17,000 to appear from dust, that’s not how it works. I have to ask people to donate, and I have to trust that God is working in people’s heart’s to give. I have to make the ask and put effort in… but the rest is up to Him. This leads me to my next point…
Second, there’s a frustrating situation in my life that happens to also be a mirror-image of my heart.
I’m nannying the GREATEST 9-year old right now. She is sassy, hilarious, creative, sweet, and everything that is fantastic about a 9-year old.
I ask her every day what she wants to do (to give her the option to choose), and most days she responds with “I don’t know… I don’t want to choose right now” or “I’m tired, I just want to stay inside today.”
While I KNOW that going outside and enjoying the summer sunshine would be good for her, I let her have her way. I remind her of her options, and ask her to trust me, but she chooses her way. By the time she decides she wants to go outside or go on a fun adventure, it’s time for me to leave for the day.
As I was spouting out words to my roommate while externalizing what had been frustratingly replaying in my head over and over again, God got my attention. I learned the thing.
God: “Kels… your nanny kid is you, and I am you. I know what’s good for you– to enjoy my presence, to sit in rest, to go outside, to get out of your head– but I give you the freedom to choose. You choose to stay inside, and you complain about not going outside when it’s too late. You choose to keep working on tasks instead of resting, and you wonder why you’re still tired. You’re burnt out because you haven’t rested, even though I have been asking you to rest for a long time. If you would just listen to me and trust me, I promise it will be worth it. I KNOW what’s good for you. Will you trust me?”
Cool, God. You got my attention. Instead of being stubborn and self-reliant, I am going to listen to you because you know what’s best for me. This leads me to my third point…
Third, I’m Eve.
Whenever I read Genesis, I always think Wow… Eve, you couldn’t have had A LITTLE self-control? You couldn’t have trusted God just a LITTLE bit? You couldn’t have trusted the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE to lead you even though He has knowledge of everything? You couldn’t have been less self-reliant and relied more on the Creator of everything? You couldn’t have been just a tad less stubborn?
And then, I go about my daily life and realize… WOW. I probably would have done the same thing as Eve did! I would have listened to the lies, I would have relied on myself, and I would have pressed into my stubbornness.
Yup. You and me, Eve. One in the same. Broken humans UNITE!
So what does this have to do with my emotional breakdown? Well, everything!
I’ve been relying on myself to fundraise. Fundraising is something that CAN’T be done alone; and yet, I have somehow convinced myself that it’s up to me to do it all!
Every day after nannying, I go to a coffee shop to work on reaching out to people, I organize spreadsheets, I create fundraising ideas, I buy gear for my race, I write letters, I collect information, I film videos, I edit pictures, I research ideas…. it’s really endless.
And yet, I can’t fundraise the $16,961 alone… or at all, actually!
I can’t donate $16,961 to myself.
I can’t force people to take 3 minutes to go online to donate.
I can’t control the way people feel about giving to missionaries.
I can’t manipulate the “right way” or “right time” to ask.
I can’t force people’s heart’s to care.
All of those things are outside of my control. It doesn’t matter how much I pester people, or how convincing my asks are… I can’t control if people donate or not.
I convinced myself that the longer I work on fundraising, the more the money will come in. WELL the wake up call is that it’s not up to me… it’s up to God. And right now, God is calling me into a season of dependence and denying self-reliance.
I have to ask people to help.
I have to lean on others.
I have to stop being so self-reliant.
I have to trust that God will soften people’s heart’s to give, and that He will give them specific numbers to give.
I have to TRUST God and pray to Him for direction.
Sure, I can eliminate barriers and inform people on what they are giving to, but I physically cannot make the donation on behalf of another.
This is where God gave me an image of myself…
I was holding onto something SO tightly that God couldn’t see it… no one could.
I was so self-reliant and stubborn that I thought if I just held onto it tighter, it would be okay.
My effort to hold it and secure it would be enough.
Little did I know, I was holding a fish and it was gasping for water.
As soon as I showed God the fish and let go, God led the fish to the water and it swam on it’s own.
I thought it needed to be held and contained, but it actually needed freedom to swim.
I learned that I can’t hold this (fundraising… or fish) tight. I have to have palms up and arms wide open. I can only do so much, and I have to trust that God is who He says He is. He finishes what He starts because He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is the ultimate provider, and He is my refuge and strength. He knows what’s up… I just have to trust Him. Leaning on Him for provision and leaning on others for care is crucial. This brings me to my next point…
Fourth, depending on God and His people sometimes means ugly crying without a filter and externalizing the internal tensions.
I have alluded to this because, well… it’s the title of this blog post.
If you’re close friends with me, you’ve heard me preach time and time again about the power of externalizing things (confession) in accountability leads to freedom. When am I going to take my own advice????
I know this ALL too well.
Any time we go through hard things, we like to keep them inside. We think we can have control over them, and we try to put on a brave face to act like it doesn’t have an effect on us. But somehow, the hard things get worse when we keep them inside. They toil and fester within us. The longer we keep these inside, the more toxic they become. Soon, they start to form new stories with worse intentions, and we gain frustration. It takes over external parts of ourselves, and we wonder what could have caused the odd behavior. That is what happens when we keep things internalized.
BUT THERE’S A DIFFERENT OPTION.
We can externalize the hard things. We process it, and we confess it to close friends. We hold the hard things out into the light and it’s exposed for what it truly is. It no longer has control over us. We can breathe easier, and we know we’re not alone.
When we externalize hard things with close friends, we feel seen, we feel known, and we feel heard. That’s what God wants for us! He desires to make us feel seen, known, and heard, and He uses His children to let us be that for one another. Through accountability and prayer, we are reminded of His grace and love as we give it freely to one another.
Fellowship is such a gift!
We’re not meant to live our faith alone, and God has given us one another to depend on one another and point each other towards Christ.
I found myself apologizing for my ugly crying.
I felt like a burden and I felt like I was taking up too much space.
Claire quickly reminded me of how it was okay to not feel okay.
She reminded me that I had done this for her, and how she had ugly cried in front of me a couple times, too.
That’s what fellowship is. It’s being there for one another and ugly crying on one another.
It’s not seen as a burden, but seen as a beautiful process of getting closer to becoming the person we’re created to be in Jesus.
It’s an opportunity to seek perspective and pray with each other.
Last, I will never be her… the missionary I created in my head.
To be honest, part of that internal turmoil was coming from a reality check that I was far from who I was trying to become and was on track to be.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache” used to be a favorite quote of mine. After hearing it, I seldom placed expectations on things because I knew I would always be let down. This world is broken, and humanity is also broken… no one is exempt from sin entering in to mess things up.
However, for some reason, I dreamed up this idea of myself as a missionary… the habits I would have… how I would act… how I would speak… how I would communicate with God… how I would take time to rest… how I would spend time in the Word… how I would lift other’s up… etc.
I feel like I was closer to becoming the idea of “her” a few months ago than I feel I do now, if I’m being real with myself. While I must realize my past is romanticized, I can’t help but to question what happened (*cough* self-reliance, little rest, little dependence on God *cough*).
The reality is that I will NEVER be her. This expectation is not attainable. I can make choices that will lead me to good habits, but I’m not going to be “her” because “her” isn’t realistic. “Her” lives in a bubble and doesn’t go through hard things… but I do, and I always will because this world is broken.
As I externalized my feelings of not feeling good enough, qualified enough, or self-disciplined enough, I realized how silly it all sounded.
God put the story of Moses, Joshua, and basically every character in the Bible on my mind… no one was perfect or qualified. They all had to depend on God for strength, and all they had to do was say YES to God.
This past Sunday at Ballard Church, one of our pastors, Jake, gave a sermon on the concept of turning back. We have an idea of the trail we want to go down, and we realize along the way we might have taken a wrong turn. We can either keep going, or we can turn back. This is also the idea of repentance (to turn around; to make a 180)… the concept of choosing to say “yes” to God and God’s ways… turning towards the right path and saying “yes” to the right path!
I externalized my feelings of feeling distant from God (that I wasn’t sacrificing
quality time to be with Him), feeling less joyful, feeling more pessimistic, feeling less present with people, feeling more selfish… all of the things that convinced me I wasn’t good enough or qualified enough to go and serve the nations.
After reading a devotional this morning, I was reminded that little choices make monstrous habits. If I choose not to rest a couple times, I turn into someone who doesn’t rest. I make excuses and perpetuate a cycle of performance.
While I know I will never be “her,” I can put in my best effort to make good choices that lead to good habits. I can say YES to God & God’s ways and trust that He will supply my joy, strength, patience, and optimism!
So if I ever half-heartedly say it in the future, I know fully after these past couple months that I’m nothing without Christ. God is my strength! He supplies my optimism and my joy! God is my confidence! My best self is fully dependent on God… not on my circumstances (if they’re good), not on how others treat me (if they like me or laugh at my jokes), not on my accomplishments (if I’m praised for the good I do)… my WORTH comes from Him alone. He is perfect and holy, and He has victory over sin! I can depend fully on Him for strength because He has perfected it, and He invites us to depend on Him! He delights when we turn to Him for help!
When does the hustling/control/self-reliance end? TODAY.
After reading that devotional this morning, I was reminded that little choices make monstrous habits. All I need to do is turn around and turn towards God. He doesn’t hold our sins against us… He invites us to step into grace and walk in His ways. He makes ALL things new, and the Holy Spirit enables us to hold fast to our desires for goodness.
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
What resonated with you?
Do you have a similar experience?
Comment below!
Peace & grace,
Kels
