I’m not a crier. Or at least that’s what I would always tell the people that I was with when we were watching a sad movie and I wasn’t crying. Or at a friend’s wedding when everyone else has tears of joy and thankfulness I was completely dry. This never bothered me before because I just believed that I never was a crier in my life and just never will be. Until a month ago when I started thinking about it more because it was really starting to bother me. It was bothering me so much because I know that God has created me with feelings and emotions but I don’t know how to show them. I’ve also just believed the lie that emotions are bad to show especially in front of other people so I have always hidden them inside. The more I thought about it the more I remembered that I haven’t always been this way.
There have been so many insistences in the recent past that I have wanted to cry but I haven’t let myself or I just physically couldn’t. When I left home to come to Ecuador and had to say goodbye to my best friend and also waving goodbye to my family I didn’t cry a single tear but there were so many inside of me just wanting to come out. Also, since being here in Loreto, Ecuador I have met so many people and seen things that I have had to wrestle with God about. I met an elderly lady named Virginia who was a very lonely widow and couldn’t even walk home because she was so weak. Or our friend from the church named Sebastian who works all day and night so that he can provide for his family and only gets to sleep three hours every night. Or seeing kids wear the exact same outfit for weeks at a time. Sadly, the list is long of the darkness that I see in this world on the daily.
A few weeks ago when I was talking to my field support (s/o to Hope and her wisdom) I decided that I was going to fast and pray and mediate on this because I knew my hardness of heart wasn’t natural. The Lord revealed a lot to me but especially in those few days as I seeked Him. From around 16 years old I remember being such a peacekeeper with my family but especially my friends. I hated conflict and had no idea who or what I wanted to be. For the rest of high school and my freshman year of college I stayed quiet for the most part but that slowly turned into me being a doormat with no voice. I lived like this for so many years because I didn’t know who I was or what I believed in and didn’t think that I had a voice that people needed to hear. Then when I was 20 I recommitted myself back to the Lord and started walking with Him daily. I believed the lie that once you love Jesus and follow Him your life will be perfect. That’s not what He promises and that’s not what happens. For over two years though I lived everyday with a smile because I thought that “because I have the joy of the Lord in my heart and that means there is no room for sadness.” Whenever someone asked me what I was struggling with or what my low of the week was I would make something up because I didn’t want to seem weak or that I didn’t have it all together. Finally, the last part of this that I realized was the last year and a half of doing missions. I have seen so much poverty, despair, darkness, and hurt that lately I had just become numb to it all. My heart had been broken too many times by saying goodbye, seeing starving people, seeing cultures worship stone idols, seeing both men and women in destructive relationships, hearing people’s stories that were awful because of stuff they had no control over. My heart had broken so many times that it was permanently broken and didn’t know how to handle everything I had experienced.
It was a few days of breakthrough and forgiving and grieving and becoming self-aware of my past self and present self and who I want to become. I was so real and vulnerable with God for the first time in a really long time. I felt so close and intimate with Him and could feel His presence. So at this point I can’t do anything else. The rest is in God’s hands. I believe that I did all I can and I know that God will meet me and show up. Which He has been doing just in this last short month.
“I will give you a new heart. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26
The first six months of this year were some of the hardest months I have ever had. Missing my life and friends from the race and mourning that it was over, facing opposition while leading my previous Passport trip at times, working at camp again but having the same position and feeling like I was going backwards with life instead of forward. This season however, the last six months of this year has been a breath of fresh air for me. This team that I’m serving and the beautiful people of Ecuador make me so excited for everyday. There are definitely hard days and moments where I am so uncomfortable but I know that without a doubt that God is using my team and I to spread the Gospel to the people of Ecuador. I also feel like I can physically hear my heart beating as I’m spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthier than I have been in such a long time.
Daily I am learning more about myself because daily I’m learning more about my Creator.
So, after flipping over this giant stone in my life I continue to choose to be vulnerable. Even when I don’t want to be and its hard I tell people when I’m upset, sad, angry, ect because I know I need to tell people instead of keeping it in because that is what cultivates vulnerability and trust and brings me freedom. I’m self aware of where I’m growing and also areas that need more attention. Jesus had a lot of emotions and wasn’t afraid to show them so why should I? My heart isn’t made of stone but day by day I can feel it getting squishier and softer. The Spirit is breaking it down and peeling it layer by layer.
“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.” Hebrews 3:7
