Ah waiting in the silence… How much fun it is to go through a season of silence? My answer. It’s not. I don’t care for it much at all honestly. Having been following Jesus only for a short period of time, I’ve come to find myself dependent on Holy Spirit’s voice. It’s just a super awesome thing knowing I’ve got that direct line with my Father. He’s always been near, day or night whenever I’ve needed him. Yeah It took some time and discernment to truly know when it was him speaking or just my crazy mind making things up and thats cool. Im always in the learning process. But after a while I’ve found myself easier and easier being able to know and find his voice. It’s been life changing to say the least. I believe with coming to know the voice of God comes season’s of growing and learning more of his voice and his will for my life. Right now I’ve been in more of a quiet/growing season.
In a way this has been tough but I’ve found it extremely beneficial for me and my walk with the Lord. At first it was hard man. I felt alone. I felt like I had done something wrong. I kept thinking, what the heck is wrong with me? But with that, God knew what he was doing. I found myself seeking harder. I’ve found myself praying harder then I ever have. My alone time with him has become longer and more urgent. I have literally sought after him more then I ever have before. I have begged and pleaded for more of his love and presence unlike ever before. I’ve wanted nothing more then to be as close to him as I could possibly get.
This internal battle for more of God has been difficult yeah. With desiring more of him, satan has tried to get at me and cloud my vision. Honestly he’s succeeded more time’s then I’d like to admit. But that hasn’t stopped me. I’m gonna mess up. I’m never gonna be perfect but I want more Lord. I want as much of you as I can possibly get! I know this will come with time. I do know in this silence, my heart’s cry for God has gotten way louder and deeper. How cool is that? God know’s so much of what we need and to take me deeper in love with him he would use silence? He knew I wouldn’t give up. He knew that it would just be a tool to help fuel my fire and desire for him. I think that’s so cool man. I hated it at first but man has this season changed my heart.
I will say though, I got pretty bummed out the other day. I just really needed him to give me something. Speak somehow Lord just let me know we’re cool ya know? Sure enough the next day during worship I received a prophetic word from one of our leaders that left me in tears. There was a direct connection from his heart to mine and he spoke just the word’s I needed. He knows what we want. He wants to give us our hearts desire. It’s so funny to me how fast he can just totally restore my spirit. I can go from zero to back in love real quick with just a couple of words from him. I really dig how awesome our God is. I love how easy he makes things seem too. I can get in that spot where it feels like my entire world is crashing and something like a prophecy comes and I can completely forget everything leading up to that point.
His love has also been coming as impressions on my heart. The other day I was exercising and all of a sudden I just felt like Papa was proud of me. I don’t know if that makes any sense but he started speaking into my heart not with words but with feeling. I could sense that he was just proud of me. I started praying, well honestly God yeah I know in my mind that you’re proud of me but a lot of times I don’t feel as if I can really believe that. There’s a big difference in heart knowledge and head knowledge. I can know in my mind all day that the Father loves me and is proud of me yeah but sometimes I just really need to feel it in my heart ya know? Well that’s exactly what he was giving me. He was talking to me with my heart.
Two or so years ago I was a real piece of work man. I’ve had some pretty great ideas and dreams but never have I ever pursued anything more then a month or so. Literally never. Then he started reminding me how far I’ve come. I told God two years ago to take my life and do whatever he wanted to with it. I just wanted to be completely and totally his no matter the cost. Well two years later for the first time ever he has kept me on that same path. To this day my life is still and will always be his to do with and use me in whatever way he deems fit. I’m still ok with that, which is totally not like me! By now I would have already had 3 more life goals and dreams for my future and wouldn’t have followed through with a single one. I’m a big dreamer but an even bigger procrastinator. It’s no wonder i’ve never followed through with anything.
So to go two years on the same path with the same end goal in mind was huge for me to really look back and realize, man, I really have come a long way. This dream of being closer and becoming more like Jesus hasn’t gone anywhere. That’s his will for my life, nothing will ever thwart his plan. Yeah it’s been hard and I hate it sometimes honestly but the difference in his dreams and mine is tangible fruit and evidence of how much better his dreams are then mine. Why would I ever want anything more. My will has brought me nothing but loneliness. With him he never promises it to be easy he just promises it to be worth it and it for sure has been. He showed me the bigger picture, the one he’s looking at. Which is easy for me to lose sight of especially in the day to day.
Another quick way he talks to me and this may sound totally bizarre and you may and can think i’m a total nut job I don’t care. Dragon flys. He speaks to me through dragon flys. It’s nuts and probably doesn’t make any sense to you but it does me and it’s one of the many ways he talks to me. For example, one day I was walking and praying and I was just saying to God you know, I’ve been holding on to these gifts you’ve given me almost like i’m afraid if I give away what i’ve been given I won’t get it back. Kind of like an orphan who hoards food in fear of not having any later. I found myself sort of in the same position with spiritual gifts the Lord has given me. Afraid God won’t fill me back up and here is God giving me revelation of this and I’m realizing it. Man I really do do that. About that time I look down and there laying on the ground is a dead red dragon fly. You may call it a coincidence that’s fine but then he starts impressing his need for me to release into others what he’s given me. How I need to freely give what’s been given to me and that there will always be enough. Right as soon as that thought crossed my mind this massive blue and green dragon fly flies out in front of me and kind of hovers around for a few seconds and flies off. Again you can think it’s a coincidence that’s fine but for me it was so much more. It was God’s presence and love with me. I looked up the significance of dragon flies a while back they’re symbolic for a changing of your mind. So that’s pretty cool too.
I guess really this season hasn’t so much been a season of silence but more a season of sharpening my vision. God took silence and turned it into seeking. He showed me yeah, you know my voice i’m never going anywhere but check this out. I’ve got plenty of tricks in my bag. He talks to us through so much more then his voice. Which is super dope but he wants to communicate. He wants never ending conversation. Why not have other ways to speak? Why ever put a cap on the realm of possibility of the Father. So many times i’ve tried and so many times he’s blown my mind. So hey if it takes gettin mad and makin me feel alone to reveal different facets of your love and affection then i’ll be here hoping and waiting!
