The past couple of months or so have been a challenge for me. I have felt pretty distant from the Lord. Not really caring to do anything. Or even knowing what to do for that matter. The thrill of the World Race has worn off. And here I am wondering why the heck I’m even here. It really all started with some frustrations I found with God back in Nepal that I discussed in an earlier post which carried on into China.
So at training camp they challenged us with the question of finding our WHY. Why are we on the World Race? Well for me that was a simple answer, I’m here because God told me to go. Granted, this is an amazing trip and I am having the time of my life. The race wasn’t something I dreamed of doing for years. I literally have lived 45 minutes from Adventures in Missions my entire life and never knew it existed. I’d heard of a friend doing the World Race probably 4 or 5 years ago but that’s about as deep as my knowledge ran of the race. So God’s telling me to go, he didn’t have to twist my arm too hard. 11 countries in 11 months is pretty awesome, I apply, get accepted, boom here I am month five. Still challenged with that WHY…
I was walking and talking with a friend in China and she asked me my why. I hadn’t really thought about it in a while and it struck me. Geeze, surely there’s more to my why then just because God told me to come. I mean I have to have a purpose for being here right? God didn’t just send me out here to take a year off and serve. There has to be more to this WHY. All of a sudden I found myself in this place of having no idea what I’m even doing here. Not in the sense of wanting to go home or anything like that but more or less just kind of feeling lost, almost like I have no purpose. So now i’m not only feeling in a low place spiritually, my world gets turned up side down with a simple little question WHY.
So most of Nepal I felt like I was constantly being tested by the Lord and I got mad at him for it. It gets real old when every move I make is feeling like a test. Having to weigh every option as whether or not it’s going to be pleasing to God doesn’t seem like much freedom to me. I’d come to that place where I felt like my entire walk with Jesus has been a test. I was tired of it but most of all I had allowed lies from the enemy to cloud my perception of what God was trying to do in me. Already fully knowing that if i’m walking hand in hand with the spirit I wouldn’t much need to worry if my decisions were going to please God or not. I’d just instinctively know. Either way we wrestled it out. I made it out alive still loved by the creator of everything and it all seemed ok for a short while. So moving from a time of my faith being tested, in to feeling spiritually dry and having no sense of purpose was difficult. I think I still had some bitterness pint up from Nepal, so that probably helped fuel the fire as well. Plus just not feeling as if I had any reason for being here.
So to start out our month in China also our manistry month, our squad leader left us with the question. What do we want out of this month? My answer was easy, I want to know my purpose. I want to know WHY i’m on the World Race. Sure spiritually I’ll be able to grow with Jesus and fall deeper in love with him but is that the only reason God brought me out here? I could’ve gone and hid out on the AT for a few months and done that. No, God’s shown me entirely too much pain and suffering across the world to think this race is just about me growing in intimacy with him. That seems too selfish. But then I think about the future and those I will be ministering to in the years to come. What if I don’t take this year and grow in the Lord? What about all of those people? Ahhhh! I really just found myself frustrated and confused. Until I truly started to let God have it.
So a lot of our time in China was spent on a bus or train. We travelled up through a bunch of really cool old Tibetan towns and saw some of the most beautiful parts of the world I personally have ever seen. Who ever knew China was even half this beautiful? Turns out my mind was continuously blown by the handiwork of our creator. It made for a beautiful backdrop during quiet time that’s for sure. And quiet time there was a lot of. We travelled easily over 150 hours the entire month. Most of the time I’d be pretty bummed out about the situation but I really just needed this time with Jesus. It was extremely refreshing and the jumpstart I needed coming into the bottom half of this 11 month journey. He put it all out there pretty plain and simple for me. Love.
It all stems from one word. Love. The purpose of me being on this race is to love. To learn how to love in community. To learn how to love the people that no one else can. To learn how to love myself. And to learn how to love Jesus. I am here simply to love! It is the root of all we do. It is why God sent me on this race. Sure my questions branch out further then that yeah, but how can I ever fulfill the life God has set out before me if I don’t know how to truly love people? How can I expect to grow in intimacy if my heart isn’t burning with the desire to fall so head over heels in love with Jesus that I’d absolutely lay my life down at any given moment to have more of his presence? How can I truthfully love you if I don’t even know how to love me? I can’t. I can say it all day long. I can hug a beggar and orphan and tell them I love them but is that even true? Do I really love them? Do I even love myself. I think it’s easy to say yes of course I do. That’s what I’m supposed to say. But really do I really, deep down, does God know that I love myself and these so called “untouchables” or even Jesus for that matter? My answer is yeah, yeah I do think he knows my heart. After all he’s the one that’s been doing the work. Do my actions always line up with this? Ehh honestly no, not always.
I’m not even close to where he wants me. I am totally a work in progress and I have so far to go. The best thing about that statement for me though is, I know that and I can look back and see how far I’ve come. I know that I can go so much deeper in love. I know that he’s still writing my story. I pray he never stops working in my life. I pray he continues to take me to new depths the rest of my days. Especially when I’m falling in love with Jesus. Man there’s times I’ll be laying in bed praying and just out of no where begin to weep because I know he’s with me. It’s beautiful but I know there’s more! I want all of it! I want to be completely immersed, overflowing with his love everywhere I go. Everyone I come in contact with, I want them to know that they felt the love of the father. I want to get to my final day knowing I did all that I could to love people and love him with every fiber of my being. I know that I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of what it means to have intimacy with Jesus though. And that’s totally ok with me!
I’m nowhere near where I need to be when it comes to loving others either. My patience gets rubbed thin sometimes and people get on my nerves but not nearly like they used to. God’s transforming my heart. Little by little he’s peeling back layers and showing me the new me. Its awesome. Its weird, it hurts, its frustrating and rarely has it been easy. But its awesome. He’s giving me a heart of compassion. I used to walk around Atlanta not giving two thoughts about other people. Now it’s hard for me to walk down the street and not wonder about someone’s life or what’s going on with that person. Why does he look so oppressed or how did he get that injury. Its nothin to up and start just crying for people as I walk by them, no not necessarily knowing their story or why they’re in the position they’re in but just because my heart burns for people man. There’s some sad stuff goin on out here. That’s normal right? I never thought I’d be that guy that would stop people and ask if I can pray for them but I do and I’d never have it any other way. So what if I don’t see a miracle. So what if I pray for healing and they don’t get healed. So what if they say no! So what if they think i’m weird or laugh at me. I promise it’s hard to forget when someone random walks up and asks to pray. It’s not natural. It’s spiritual. It’s supernatural. It’s the kingdom. It’s the gospel?
So yeah Jesus answered a few questions this past month and he never even said a whole lot. What I do know is he used the trials from Nepal and the struggles and doubts that I’ve had the past couple of months to usher me into a new season of love. A deeper knowledge of the heart he has for me and his children. A greater understanding of what intimacy with Jesus looks like. And he did it with a word. Just one. Love.
So from here. My focus the rest of this race is to simply love. I’m going to do my best not to worry about the rest of the questions I have floating around my mind. There’s no need to figure anything else out. I’ll take punches as they come and let the Father work. Whatever that may look like. I just pray i’ll be ready for it. I’d also ask if you’re reading this to continue to pray for me and my squad as well. We are heading further into the middle east and everyone watches the news. Yeah things could get hairy but they could get hairy anywhere. I just know we all need continued prayer! So thanks for everything so far. I’m looking forward to the last 5 months of the race and what all the Lord has to come!
