I try not to get in the habit of weighing sins but when I think about worrying, I don't often think of it as something that has the power to damage my relationship with Christ. Additionally, although I'll admit to having used the phrase once or twice, I've never really understood the concept of being “worried sick”. I'm a pretty laid back chick so anyone that knows me, probably isn't surprised by either of my previous statements. However, all that being said, this past week I learned just how much power worry and anxiety can have over a person both physically and spiritually.
Matthew 6:27
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?
Coming off of month one, our entire squad met together at a hostel in Bucharest to spend the night and head to Moldova the next night. My first month on the race went as smoothly as I could have imagined possible. To recap, our missionary contacts were incredible, our housing was totally comfortable and my team (RADIANT) meshed unbelievably well with Team Perrissuo. I was ready to leave Romania and I was excited about what month 2 would bring.
Instantly upon joining with the rest of our squad I was overloaded with emotions. I was flooded with stories of intense spiritual warfare, dissension amongst other teams and an overwhelming spirit of competition between the members of our squad. To make things worse, I was constantly surrounded by people and was struggling to find even a moment of quiet to spend time with the Lord. As a result, I immediately lapsed into my unhealthy habit of retreating into myself. My mind was looping through a list of accusations and questions for God…
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
“God, I felt you calling me to some form of leadership but then it is thrown in my face when other women on my team are chosen ahead of me. It just seems cruel. What are you trying to teach me? And how could I ever desire to lead amongst so many strong willed individuals? I adore my team of women but You saw what happened last month with so many other teams. I can't do a month alone with just these 5 women- I'll go crazy. Father, you've drawn out a million and one of my flaws this month but barely given me any time to process them and pray. My body feels sick and my mind feels tired. You aren't cutting me any slack here.”
By the time we boarded the train the next night, I was definitely sick. I curled into a ball in my sleeper car clutching my stomach and I prayed. I asked God repeatedly for answers and the only word he gave me was PURGE. Fitting right? It's what I felt like doing. Finally I couldn't avoid His real meaning any longer and, with a little help from Amanda, I spilled my guts to my team. I admitted my jealously and my fear and I even confessed my feelings of irritation and worries about not being able to spend a month alone with them. Just minutes after I had gotten out all of my pent up emotion, I ran to the bathroom and literally purged.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
TMI, I KNOW but the point is, I had worried myself sick. Literally. I was sinning by refusing to give up my anxiety and my worries to the Lord and my sin was toxic. As soon as I let that go, God purged my body and mind of the negativity.
Today I am sitting in Moldova (well, kind of… you'll stay tuned for that explanation). My joy is spilling out every crevice of my body. I am discovering the beauty of openness and vulnerability and I am quickly becoming obsessed with giving up control of my life. SO all that to say, worry and anxiety have power and whether we'd like to admit it or not, it's sin. What's the point in hanging on to something that we have no control over anyways? God is in control and He isn't worried, so why are we?
Ecclesiastes 2:22
What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun?
[STAY TUNED FOR A SUPER UPBEAT BLOG WITH LOTS OF EXCITING UPDATES]
