Let me preface this blog by saying that if you are looking for a happy, celebratory post about my next steps and life back home, I would like to go ahead and let you know that this is not that blog. This is the honest, vulnerable, heart wrenching truth about where I am right now. I hope that it resonates and reaches to as least a few of you.
I have now been home for 9 weeks. While 9 weeks doesn’t seem that long to most people, it has been the longest 9 weeks of my life. When I got home, I lived on a high for about 3 weeks. It was a high of excitement being home, new things, reliving old things, seeing my people, and spending time with those that I have missed so much. It was a time full of joy, laughter, and excitement. But then I started to come down off the high. I started to realize that I was back and staying for longer than a month. I wouldn’t be packing my pack up and heading out again to a new location. I was facing the reality that I was here for good. So these past 6 weeks, I have been in probably the toughest place of my life. I am avoiding, apathetic, frustrated, angry, and living in a daily comparison of others. I have fallen back into the comforts of this life in America. I feel as though I am my old self all over again. I have trouble grasping the fact that these past 11 months were actually reality and not a dream. How could I fall so quickly back into chasing the American dream when I know in my heart that there are greater Kingdom dreams awaiting me?
There is this saying that racers use when they get back: “My race self would be disappointed in my American self.” I honestly wholeheartedly agree with this statement. Race Kelly would be looking at American Kelly and saying “What are you doing?!; Don’t settle for old patterns, create new ones!; What happened to being dependent on others?; Have you forgotten everything we learned this past year?” I am disappointed in myself so I can only imagine how disappointed Race Kelly would be. I went from journaling and reading Scripture to rarely opening either of those items. I went from actively pursuing the Father to actively pursuing the world again. I went from gaining and working on new habits/disciplines to falling back into old habits pretty quickly. I went from only caring what my Father thinks of me to worrying about what everybody around me is thinking of me. All of these things came on so quickly that I wasn’t prepared for them. This transition has been the hardest thing about this past year. I no longer have solid community to hold me accountable and encourage me. I now have responsibilities and work that cloud my spiritual growth. I have the pressures of the world again that I was able to leave behind a year ago. I lost my sense of dependence and stepped back into my old self of complete independence. But the kicker is that I know how to save myself. I know who can rescue me and bring me back to that place I long to be at. Yet I wont let Him. Here is what I wrote today in my journal that inspired this blog:
“I’m drowning yet I won’t save myself. I know how to get to shore but comfort and fear are keeping me out here. I know this place. This life is normal to me. Yet out here in the deep, I am going to die. I’m going to lose myself; my soul; my being. If I would just do what I need to do & ASK for help from Him, I could make it there and be rescued. But I won’t. I will just continue to tread water, drowning just a bit more day by day.”
This life back here is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. In times like this I just have to cling to what I know, what is engraved on my heart, and what is rooted in my soul. Sometimes it’s all I have to keep going.
- The Lord is good and faithful. He is love, patience, and joy.
- Grace will abound more and more. Just because I have fallen does not mean that I cannot get up and run back to my Father. Grace doesn’t run out.
- I have not lost Him. It’s just a bit harder to find Him in the added distractions and pressures of this life.
- I have changed and been molded to be more like my Father whether I believe that today or not.
- I believe and trust in my Father. I believe and trust in love. I believe and trust in light and goodness.
I have been listening to Mumford & Sons on repeat since coming home and this has been one of the songs that I often listen to for hope and encouragement. I wanted to leave you with some of the lyrics as well as an update on my next steps.
“How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know. My weakness I feel I must finally show. Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all. But lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall. Lend me your eyes I can change what you see. But your soul you must keep, totally free. In these bodies we will live; In these bodies we will die. But where you invest your love, you invest your life. Awake my soul. You were made to meet your maker.”
Awake my soul – Mumford & Sons
As far as my next steps are concerned, I have had very clear words from the Lord that I am to live this season at home in Indiana. He has things to do here and He needs me here as a vessel for Him. I am currently working full time as a nanny for a family in Zionsville. I love it so much and have become very attached to the family in a short amount of time. I am actively looking for a church home as well as beginning to build community here. I am volunteering with Youth for Christ here in Zionsville as an Adult Ministry Leader at the middle school. I also have been reaching out to local ministries here to volunteer with and invest my extra time in. Life has been really hard since being home but I do have an extremely supportive family who is trying to help me with the transition as best they can. I am asking for prayer for strength through this next season. I have a feeling it’s going to be even more difficult than my last. While right now I am walking through a season of struggle and transition, I have hope that it will only last a bit longer. Thank you for your support over this last year. I has been the most incredible, challenging, life-giving, difficult season of my life so far but I wouldn’t have changed anything.
