Home, to stay.
18 days.
I’ve only been back in the states for 18 days.
Yet, my world has once again turned upside down.
Leaving Honduras, I knew that coming home was going to be hard. I didn’t know it was going to be this hard though.
I didn’t know that the goodbyes I said to my squad at 3am that Thursday morning were going to be for good.
I had plans, plans that I thought lined up with God’s plans for me.
But here I am, laying in my bed at home, here to stay.
Let me rewind for a moment and catch you up on whats been going on these past 4 weeks. Exactly one month ago I woke up feeling a bit sick, and my stomach hurt, but only in one specific spot. I told my team leader that my stomach hurt, but went on about my morning, making cookies with some of the little girls for one of their birthdays. As the morning went on my stomach hurt worse, and when Norma, one of the orphanage girls, went to hug me and squeezed me I yelped in pain. At this point we knew something wasn’t right, and since the pain was in the same place as my appendix we decided I needed to go to the doctor. A few phone calls later we were on the way. Let me tell you, that car ride was NOT pleasant at all. There was no way to really brace myself against all the bumps and I was pretty convinced I was going to pass out or throw up the entire two hours to the hospital. Once we got there I was taken straight to the emergency room where they started doing tests on me right away. I’m not a fan of needles and it took the nurses 8 tries to successfully draw blood. I was pretty bruised up from all that the next day. The doctor came in and examined me and had me go for an ultrasound to see my appendix and told me I needed to have surgery. I was admitted to the hospital and wheeled to a room for the night.
It was a rough night. Lindsey, my team mate/translator/hand holder, stayed with me, and we were woken up every few hours by the nurses coming to check on me. The first night we were there we had an amazing nurse named Sandra. I’m convinced she’s an angel, she was so gentle and kind and took care of Lindsey and me like we were her daughters. The next day the doctor came to check on my progress and said he wanted to do my surgery in a few hours. I sat in my hospital bed trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I was about to have surgery in a 3rd world country. I was completely freaking out. I begged my leaders to fly me back to the states for surgery but it wasn’t safe for me to fly so I was stuck. When the doctor came back to take me to surgery he said I could have someone come back with me, so Lindsey got to scrub in on my surgery and translate for me and keep me calm as they put me to sleep. Let me just say that as they were wheeling me down the halls in this hospital it looked like a scene straight out of a horror movie and I was convinced I wasn’t going to make it out of that place alive. I remember answering the doctors questions and being really cold and then next thing I knew I was somewhere else and trying to tell Lindsey over and over again that I was in a lot of pain and it hurt to talk. I remember her shushing me, apparently the nurses were threatening to make her leave the room if I kept trying to talk to her, and then once again I woke up in a different room.
I stayed in the hospital for 3 days after surgery. I don’t remember a whole lot about the rest of the day after I had surgery but I know I kept asking for pillows and ended up with 4 before I was comfy. I also kept asking for food, since it had been almost 3 days without food, and literally cried when they brought me my first meal the day after surgery. It was a rough, very painful few days in the hospital. I didn’t have the kind nurse from my first night in the hospital again until right befor I was discharged on my last day there. The nurses would just come into the room and not tell me what they were doing and just stick needles in me or mess with my IV. They were never gentle and had to change the location of my IV multiple times because they knocked it out. There were also a few times when they changed my medicines and I had some painful reactions. One of the shots they gave me felt like they shoved firecrackers in my veins and another one made me have a panic attack. It was a rough few days. Once I was discharged from the hospital I went to stay with a local pastor since it wasn’t a good idea to send me back up in the mountains to the orphanage we had been at previously. I stayed there for a few days before our whole squad headed to Valley of the Angels for debrief. While at debrief arrangements were made for me to go back to the states for a month to recover from surgery.
Thursday April 30th I got up at 3:30am to say goodbye to my team and squad as they left to drive to Guatemala. Later that day I flew back to the states. While flying back to the states a fluid pocket that had built up in the week after my surgery burst. It took several doctor visits and a full day in the emergency room doing all sorts of test and scans to figure out thats why I was in so much pain after getting home. It felt like I was being stabbed to death. After all that my doctor decided that he was not going to give the ok for me to return to the race. He said that because the way my surgery was done and the complications that I had flying back that it could be close to 12 months before I’m not in some pain daily. He also said it wouldn’t be a smart decision for me to fly long distances like I would have to fly to get to Asia and Africa and that carrying the weight of my pack or even my day pack is out of the question for now. I left the doctors office that day and sent a text to one of my squad leaders telling her what the doctor said and then had a good little cry over it. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, but once I was faced with the reality of it I felt completely lost.
I had planned on being on the race the whole 11 months. I hadn’t planned to suddenly find myself home in May. It still feels a bit like I’m drowning and I don’t have a clue what I’m going to be doing just yet. For now life consists of me resting and letting my body heal and catching up with friends. Its been hard to adjust to life here again after having constant community while on the race. I didn’t realize how much I would miss that aspect of life and I don’t know how to have that here honestly. Its something I desperately want and will be diligent to pursue having here. It feels like I’ve been back in the states for ages, but its only been 18 days. It also feels like I just got back yesterday.
There are so many things I miss about being on the race and so many things I’m thankful to be home for.
Its such an odd place to be, in-between seasons, unsure of whats next.
The only thing that seems to be keeping my head above water these days is the promise that God uses all things for the good of those who love him, and I love him.
Also trying to process through all that God taught me these past few months and what that means for my life here and now back in the states has been hard. Its easy to see the God moments and ministry opportunities when you’re on a mission trip and thats your daily life mindset. I’ve found myself feeling apathetic since being back, and I don’t want to, I hate it. I’m struggling with being home more than I’d care to admit.
There is hope though, there is always hope, because there is grace. Grace lavished so freely upon you and me. So thats where I’m at, asking for grace from Jesus and from those around me as I figure this all out.
So theres the update on life and the race and being home. I’d love to talk to you more about anything and everything, so lets go get coffee/tea and chat. Lets build community together.
One last thing. As you can imagine, being in and out of the doctor so frequently has come at quite a cost. Thankfully travel insurance is covering the Honduras hospital bill but I am still trying to figure out how I’m going to pay back my plane ticket home and the doctor and hospital bills since being back in the states. If you are able and willing, you can help me financially by donating here. Prayers are also very greatly appreciated!
