Another piece of my story, sharing from my personal blog from several weeks ago & before I knew I was going on The World Race.
Jesus, I need you. More than anything(one). May I never forget that no matter what joy or trial comes my way.
Warning, this is an honest chunk of my heart and just where I’ve been at last night and this morning.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last few days, feeling unworthy and unloved. Struggling. Feeling like I’ve been forgotten or rejected. Particularly when night falls and I find myself alone and my thoughts causing a wild rumpus within my head and heart. It’s then when the doubting and questioning begin. I’m 22 years old and I’ve never kissed anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. Something’s got to be wrong with me, right? I mean, that’s what I’m hearing from everyone around me, from family members, social medias, and even from friends.
Everywhere I look there are things telling me how to fix myself or how to change who I am/how I act to be better to get a guy. Telling me all the things I’m missing out on by being single. Family constantly peppering me with questions of “When are you FINALLY going to have a boyfriend?” “You know you’re the only girl in the family still single, right?” “When are you going to give me some great grand babies?” It’s hard. Somedays those questions feel like physical hits. Then there are also the well-meaning people/friends who I honestly don’t think realize the damage they cause with their statements. Two things in particular have been said to me recently that were hard to shake off. One lady told me, “You just plain need a husband. Then you’ll always have someone to call your family and someone to be there for you. I hope you get one soon!” And the other, “Out of everyone I know, you deserve a good guy more than anyone. Just love Jesus more and he’ll give you a great guy.”
I’ve been told I think too much. Sometimes that’s a good thing but in this area it has been a detriment to my heart. When I’m left alone with my thoughts my mind sometimes wanders to this and begins hounding me with questions. “Am I doing something wrong?” “I mean if Jesus wants good things for me he would surely give me a guy like I want, right?” “Is something wrong with me?” Then the doubting/disliking myself in general sets in. “I’m unloveable.” “Nobody wants little old me.” “I’m not ________ (fill in the blank: pretty, talented, etc) enough.” “I’m a burden and bothersome to people.” Last night was really rough for me with this, and honestly I just let myself wallow in self pity.
What I should have done is talked to my lifegroup about it. I should have brought myself back to community and confessed to them and let them bring me back to the gospel. Because I need Jesus. More than anything. More than anyone. For the past month my routine has been to get up at 4:30 and go to the gym and then I have a little time to kill before work and I’ve been using it for my quiet time. It’s been so sweet to have consistent mornings with Jesus. This morning as I was driving I was listening to a song by All Sons and Daughters called “More Than Anything”. It was as if Jesus was tapping me on the shoulder saying, “Psst, this is for you. Remember who you heart belongs to.” The part of the lyrics that stayed with me goes, “What can compare to the love of Jesus? Who can repair every broken thing? No other One can break this darkness. No other name.”
Seriously y’all. Sometimes things that are so obviously true have to smack me in the face multiple times before I remember them. NOTHING compares to the love my Jesus has for me. He pursues me with reckless abandon and mends my broken heart. Then when I opened my Bible this morning, it fell open to Psalm 30, and would you guess what I found? Right there in the second half of verse 5 that truth hits me again. “Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” My selfish sadness stayed for the night but Jesus brought me light and joy this morning.
So this morning I spent my time reminding myself of the promises and joys I have in Jesus. Finding the things I know to be true in him to battle the lies from the enemy that all too often try to take over my mind. Starting with love Jesus more and he’ll give you what you want, similar to what someone said to me recently. Love Jesus more. That’s where that statement should stop. Love Jesus more everyday simply because he is God and he loves me and deserves my whole heart. Not love Jesus selfishly so he’ll give me what I want. Yes, I know the verse that says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” But as I’ve learned the hard way, sometimes what I think I want isn’t what I actually want, and my motivation for loving Jesus should never be to get things.
Next up the thought that having a husband/relationship will solve my problems and provide me with family and someone to rely on. In Jesus I already have these things, and he is never going to disappoint me or fail me the way that humans inevitably will. His love never leaves me even when I go running the opposite direction, I can fully rely on him at all times in all things. And in him I have family! I have spiritual mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and it’s wonderful. When I get frustrated or upset by my lack of relationship with my immediate biological family I’m able to turn to the Jesus families I’ve been given.
Then lastly on to the self doubt and hate. I have a bunch of trust issues and self esteem issues thanks to the things I’ve been through in my past. Praise Jesus for doing major work in my heart and these areas but it’s still a struggle and one that doesn’t take much to fall in to. Jesus calls me beloved. Reminds me that I’m made in his image and made altogether beautiful. I am deeply and richly loved by my savior and when I remember how secure I am in his love I’m able to love others and slowly able to love myself.
I fully believe that if it God’s will for me to have a relationship or get married one day that in His timing a godly guy will pursue me. But honestly, I’m content. I struggle sometimes and I do want a relationship and marriage and that’s an ok thing for me to want. But very truly, I am content where Jesus has me right now being single.
Thank you Jesus for loving me well. Thank you that there is joy in the morning and new mercies every day.
