Another post I’m just now sharing here from my personal blog.
Today I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about how different my life will be a few months from now as I’m beginning my journey around the world. Thinking about the very long list of things I have to do in preparation for The World Race. Thinking about fundraising (and the very large amount of money that I don’t have but very much need in the next few months). Feeling like it is all very much impossible and feeling extremely overwhelmed.
The more I thought, the more panicky I got.
Tonight I came up to my room and spent some time reading my Bible and Crash the Chatterbox and praying and asking God to remind me of His truths and His provision in every area of my life. I also spent some time reading blogs of other world racers currently around the world and stumbled upon the blog of a girl I know that I didn’t realize was on the race. As I was reading I got a sense of peace, not because I have less things to worry about (because that LONG list is still there) but because I was reminded to cast my cares and burdens on the Lord and He will sustain me. Psalm 18:6 says, “In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears.” Catch that? Distress, cry to God for help, He listens. The next several verses God moves Heaven and Earth to come to the rescue. Then starting again in verse 16 and going to verse 19, “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.” He rescued me because He delighted in me. He delighted in ME.
That’s when the reminder smacked me across the face, that this is why I’m going around the world to 11 different countries for 11 months. Because Jesus deeply loves and takes great delight in people and He has called me to go and tell them that! So that they know he has rescued them from themselves, from sin, from fear and has made them His child and takes delight in loving them! Romans 10:14-15 says, “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!’”
So I go.
I was asked in the last few days what I’m expecting on this adventure. It has taken me a while, but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that my answer to that is abandonment. Abandoning myself, my pride, my control, my selfishness, and other things. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is going to be life changing in way more ways than I think though.
He is already prying my desire for control from my grip with the need for fundraising and the long list of various other things that need to happen in order for me to go. I hate asking for help, not because I don’t want people to help me or know what is going on in my life, but because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to communicate the reason for the need effectively or that I’ll become a burden to someone. When I think about the number that needs to be raised before I leave I have a minor (ok kinda major) mental freak-out. $17,000 is a rather large sum. God is already showing me that He’ll show up and provide in my fund raising though.
Last week I set a goal to have $400 by noon on Friday for my first deposit and passport and as I kept checking my account in the time leading up to noon I started to be discouraged that it wasn’t going to happen, and then started second guessing if this was really what God was calling me to do. I prayed a very frantic prayer begging God to make this very clear to me, asking that if this wasn’t where I was supposed to be that the money wouldn’t show up and that the door would be closed. About 15 minutes before noon I got a text from a friend saying congrats on making my first goal.
I froze.
Remember how I like to have control over things? Well I had zero control over this and God was making me trust Him and rely fully on Him. With shaking hands I logged back in, and saw that an anonymous donation for the exact amount I still needed had just been made. I sat in the middle of my living room floor, tears streaming down my face because God provided. Through someone’s generosity and answering God calling them to give, God provided for me and answered my prayer for a financial need and a confirmation of my calling to this new journey. My control is being abandoned and replaced with trust, even though this trust isn’t easy for me, but I’m reminded again God delights in me and provides for me.
As I was thinking about that first example of how God is providing for me in this journey, I had another thought. The whole time I knew that God was more than capable of putting the money I needed in that account, yet I never fully expected it because I was listening to the lies of the enemy. Lies telling me that I’m not going to be able to handle this trip, that people won’t support me in it, that I’m not good enough to go tell people about Jesus. When I was reading Crash the Chatterbox I saw this line, “When lies are not confronted, callings are not fulfilled.” Truth on truth right there. So I’m confronting the lies the enemy is whispering to me with the promises of my Jesus who is calling me to obey and serve Him. The main lie I’m dealing with is I’m not strong enough (spiritually, emotionally, physically) for this journey. When I’m tempted to believe that I’ll cling to the reminder that God says His strength is made perfect in weakness.
I’m probably not getting all that is on my heart tonight that I want to share into words properly, but I’ll trust that what is here is what God intends to be said. He’s rescuing me from deep waters (of doubt) and from my worst enemy (myself) and doing so simply because He delights in me. Do you know how wonderful it feels to know that you’re not only loved, but that you’re delighted in? There is absolutely nothing better.
So here I am.
Send me.
