I know that I said that I was going to write more about what I learned personally at training. I’m afraid that this is a harder task than what I realized. One, because I am still trying to process everything I learned, and two, because I feel like most of those lessons are still works in progress. So how do I write a blog about what I learned when I still feel like I am in the process of learning it?… I guess I’ll give it a shot.
The first morning of training, our speaker, Ron, gave a really good talk about the “fig leaves” that we hide behind. He told the story of Adam and Eve in the garden. After they had sinned and realized they were naked, they sewed together fig leaves to hide their shame. Now when you think about it, that was pretty pointless. God knew what they had done. The fig leaves were not going to hide them from God. But they felt the need to hide behind something. They couldn’t be seen for what they really were- sinful and broken. We do the same thing. We all have things that we try to hide behind so that other people won’t see what we really are. Many times we even try, pointlessly, to hide from God. So Ron told us to pray and ask God what our fig leaves are. Ask God what we hide behind. So as I was praying, many things came to mind. But one word popped so clearly and unexpectedly into my mind that I knew it was from the Lord- perfection. Now if there is one thing that I definitely don’t consider myself to be- it’s a perfectionist. I often put things off until the last minute and don’t really care if they are done perfectly. But while I might not be a perfectionist at the little stuff, I don’t think God was talking about the little stuff- He was talking about the big stuff.
What do I mean by that? I mean that, my whole life, I have basically only ever done things that I knew I would be good at. I took classes in high school that I knew I could get A’s in. I joined clubs where I knew I could excel. When I got to college, I chose a major were I knew I would succeed. And I, very carefully, stayed away from any situation where I might be made to feel inadequate or less than the best. Without even realizing it, I think I have spent my life doing things that I knew I could, more or less, be perfect at.
If I learned one thing at training camp, it is this- I’m a control
freak. Now this was, and is, quite a revelation for me, because I have also
never considered myself to be a controlling person. I don’t try to
control other people. As a general rule, I am pretty laid back. But as the Lord slowly started to break me down, it all started to make sense. Why do I feel the need to only do things I know I will be good at? So I can control what other people think about me. I have a desperate need for other people’s approval. And it’s a burden I don’t want to carry around anymore.
freak. Now this was, and is, quite a revelation for me, because I have also
never considered myself to be a controlling person. I don’t try to
control other people. As a general rule, I am pretty laid back. But as the Lord slowly started to break me down, it all started to make sense. Why do I feel the need to only do things I know I will be good at? So I can control what other people think about me. I have a desperate need for other people’s approval. And it’s a burden I don’t want to carry around anymore.
I am slowly but surely understanding the fact that God wants me to let go. He wants TOTAL control of my life. He wants me to trust Him COMPLETELY. And that’s a really scary concept to me. To be honest, I think that the world race is exactly the sort of thing that I would have stayed away from in the past. Because I know I won’t be perfect, or even close to perfect, at it. I am a horrible camper. I know nothing about surviving outdoors. There are so many things that scare me about this trip, that I can’t even let my mind go there. But I am 100% positive that this is where God has led me and He’s not letting me get out of it. Because I think He knows, and I know, that I can’t do it. But He wants me to come to the end of myself so that He can finally have total control of my life.
My favorite verse at the moment is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I have never been more glad that Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness! Because I know that I am very weak. But I also know that He is very strong.
