This is, by far, my most vulnerable blog. My month in China has changed my life forever
and has created a fire in me that I know will stay long after this race
ends. I have been processing through a
lot and trying to figure out the best way to put what has been racing in my
mind into words. I figure the best way
would be to just share my journal entries from this past month. This scares me because it is a direct look
into my heart and everything that comes with that, but I also know that it is
the best way to share my passion with all of you.
Thanks everyone and enjoy 🙂
February 29, 2012
It’s our first day in Haerbin, China and I am in my first
Chinese church service. It is in the apt
we are staying in- a house service. 95%
of the people here are college students.
I am SO excited to dig more into their lives. God is just growing my heart so much.
Words for the church here:
Hidden gem. A pearl
of great value.
Bomb. The ticking is
getting quicker. As it gets quicker, it
also gets louder. Those that are closest
to it will experience the greatest impact.
The ticking may be irritating to some, but it will be attractive to
many.
Father, is China my pearl?
If it is, please make it clear.
Deepen my burden, my growing passion for this place. Let my heart explode into life, rejuvenating
others. Ah, this prayer scares me. When I sit and think about the reality of it,
it rocks me to my core. I will appear
crazy to many people. I don’t know how I
will do it with the loans I have. Ah,
but Father, you are bigger. You are
bigger than my worries and doubts. You
are bigger than the expectations I fear.
Father, I love the women here. If
this is Your plan, please grow it. I
love you. Amen.
“Praise the Lord, Praise God our Savior, for each day He
carries us in His arms.� Psalm 68:19
March 4, 2012
“But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his
hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to
him.� Jeremiah 18:4
Father, I feel like marred clay, disheveled and
unformed. But You hold me in Your
hands. I feel Your shaping, refining
hands. At times, it hurts. It’s easier for me to stay unformed, than to
assume a shape. If I start to mold into
something, there is permanency in that.
I can’t stay comfortable in my state of unknown.
I hear and feel you speaking to my heart about this
country. I have fallen in love. Gosh, but in the weirdest way. It’s hard for me to pinpoint specifics, but I
guess the best way to describe it is an overall state of peace of being. I feel this country. I feel the weight of it and I want to bring
Your peace, love and joy to it Father.
Father, You are shaping me into Your image. It’s scary because I know the implications it
holds on my life. It scares me because
it breaks expectations others may hold on my life. It scares me because it takes me far from
where it is familiar to me.
But Father, through this all, I desire more than anything to
do Your will, to bring You glory and honor.
Amidst all my fear and anxiety I feel a calming certainty in knowing
that You are in this. Thank you for
speaking to my heart.
For the past couple of years, there has been a prayer that
has stayed faithfully upon my lips-
Father, please help me to live a life worthy of the
Gospel. I want my life to stand for You
in radical ways. I want to love and live
radically. I will go where You want me,
please just make it clear to me where You want me. I love You. Amen.
My heart races every time my mind thinks about ministry in
China, which seems to be about 95% of the time.
I want the women here to know and feel Your love. I pray specifically for Angela, who is right
beside me. This is her first time
holding a bible. This is her first time
hearing about God. She says it makes her
think, she has many questions. Ah
Father, this is her first time laying her eyes on Your living, breathing
word. Speak to her, use me to help in
any way. What a privilege. Thank you for blessing me o much
tonight. You gave me the gift of
experiencing someone’s first time holding, reading and seeing the bible. What a beautiful gift.
“Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker,
those who are nothing but potsherds
among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
‘What are you making?’
Does your work say,
‘The potter has no hands’?�
Isaiah 45:9
You are the Potter, I am Your clay. Mold me.
Amen.
March 5, 2012
My eyes hurt from crying.
But it’s moments like these that I know my response is appropriate. This should always be my response to the
gospel. To You, Jesus.
Ah Father, I will follow You. I will go where You call me. I know that, I truly can’t imagine living any
other way. Father, give me the confidence
and boldness to walk the narrow path.
Father , You have shown me things that many people do not
see: poverty, true poverty. Illness, death, desperation and demons.
Love, love. Love in
all of it. True love.
Jesus, coming to China and feeling the way I do scares the
freak out of me. It really scares
me. Where did this come from? Where do these tears keep coming from? Why won’t they stop? Where did this certainty come from? How do I feel peace in the midst of such
fear? Why China? Why not Africa? Why not America? Why not somewhere “easier�. Why not somewhere that would appease people
back home?
Can’t I please both You and people back home. If I have to choose, You know I choose
You. I just love my family and friends
so much and I hate the thought of hurting/leaving them. What if they don’t see my heart in this? What if I am just a huge disappointment?
Father, I am willing to be all these things, but my heart
hurts. But Father, You speak so much
assurance into me. I know You have
me. I trust You. You will not let me waste my life.
Father, I want to live out a life of discipleship with these
women that mirrors what Paul talks about in 1 Thessalonians.
“We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with
you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well, because you had become
so dear to us.� 1 Thessalonians 2:8
Father, I trust You. Amen
—The second part of this blog will be continued in the next blog posted. Thanks 🙂
