I have been blessed in this past year with a supernatural
joy. I don’t know exactly when I received
it or why it was bestowed upon me, but I 100% know that I received it from the
Lord. It was a beautiful gift to receive
and I quickly adopted it as part of my identity.
Coming on the race, I recognized that people saw that joy in
me and I liked it. I liked knowing that
I had the power to uplift moods and lighten tough situations. I loved knowing that the joy of the Lord
would be displayed manifest through me to all of the people that I
encountered. It became part of my role
to my team, my squad and to each ministry that we worked with.
So when I had to fight for joy this past month, it shook me
up a bit.
Coming into Cambodia I felt off. I instantly felt the spiritual oppression of
the country and unlike my experiences in the past countries; I was unable to
shake it. While our ministry site
started off a little bit rocky, it quickly and drastically improved when
unexpected blessings started popping up everywhere. But I still felt off. I felt drained, irritated and
unmotivated. Comparison and jealousy
started creeping in and my identity just started to look more and more rocky in
my eyes. The role of “joy bringer� that
I had so easily assumed in the past months was something that I seemed to be
losing grip of. I truly began to wonder
what I even brought to my team.
A realization I had about myself this past month is that I
love, love. Now I know that’s the thing
about love, most people typically love it.
But truly, I love, love. I
love making people feel loved, I love seeing people love other people and I of
course, love feeling loved myself. I am
a lover. So, along with the joy that I
have, I love pouring my love out onto the people around me. Majority of the time, I receive that love
right back in equal or abundant amounts and it is enough to keep my “love tank�
filled.
This past month, my team loved me very well. But it was hard for me to get over myself and
see it. I was stuck in a big pity party cycle. Because I felt off to myself, and started
questioning my role, I just assumed that everyone else was just as obsessed with
me and was seeing right into the flaws that were consuming me. Any tension in the group, or moments of
uneasiness grew exponentially in my mind and Satan used those to plant seeds of
lack of self worth in my mind. I began
to feel my “love tank� sink lower and lower.
But Jesus. Oh Jesus,
lover of my soul, for real. Gosh He is
so faithful.
He brought me out and up of my selfishness. We were on a tuk tuk (a motor bike connected
to a small carriage, devices of both exhilaration and terror) on our way back
from town and I was listening to Gungor’s newest album (which I would highly
recommend), when the Lord addressed me.
He reminded me of His love. The
greatest love. And He kept repeating the
words “Selfless love� to me.
Selfless love.
Selfless love. SELFLESS love.
You see, Jesus loves unconditionally. When He becomes your Savior, there is truly
nothing you can do to make Him love you any less. That’s the beautiful thing about the cross;
it ensures and covers us with His love.
He desires so much for us to love Him with all of our hearts, but
regardless of if we are faithful, He always is.
He also spoke so strongly to me about who I am. My identity is: follower of Jesus, daughter
of the High King, carrier of His name.
Under that identity, there are many things true of me.
I am a joy bringer.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am wise.
And
I am loved.
But all of these are true of me only because of Jesus. He blesses me with these statements and it’s
only His Spirit that fills me with these things. My joy is not from myself. Although I recognized that I had received a
gift of it this past year, I was still carrying it and displaying it as though
it were from me. I was banking it on my
emotions and my circumstances.
But my joy is endless, because it is from the Lord. His love, joy, steadfastness, peace and
patience is endless. I will fight for
that joy, regardless if it is handed to me or not.
