First of all, I want to let you all know that I REALLY don’t want to write this right now.
Like, at all. Zero. Not one ounce of my being feels like writing a blog.
However, God is literally forcing me. – Don’t you hate it when that happens? – So, I have decided that I’m going to literally write out my heart and at the end, I’m not even going to edit it. It’s going to be as raw as raw gets.
So, here we go.
Let me give you a run down of my weekend:
Yesterday (Friday) I worked from 1-9pm, came home, participated in a heart-wrenching phone call with people I haven’t talked to in over 2 years, watched a horrific movie with 3 of my guy friends in a man cave, then fell asleep at around 230am due to my mind not shutting off.
Today (Saturday) I woke up after about 4 hours of sleep, worked from 9-3 with a bunch of difficult patients, came home, napped, ate, and watched enough episodes of The Big Bang Theory to probably fry my brain.
Although that doesn’t sound rough, let me get you to understand what my life has looked like for the past few years.
I am a full-time college student, I have 2 jobs, am in many leadership positions, and I live 3,000 miles away from home. I work an unhealthy amount of hours to pay for school as I go, because 3 years ago God told me to leave college debt free. Which trust me, is way easier said than done. ESPECIALLY when you’re doing 100% on your own.
So, I also have this weird thing about me. I basically don’t talk about my feelings. I was actually convinced for a long time that I didn’t have any. That everything in the universe could be based on logic, and feelings were completely irrational. However, God has brought to my attention that I do in fact have feelings. SURPRISE! And that I was created with quite a soft heart, full of love. BIGGER SURPRISE! The verse that really brought this to my attention and spoke to me was Ezekiel 36:26: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
This whole “heart of flesh” thing is a strange concept to me. I’m still getting used to it. I
was completely content with my heart of stone. My human tendencies liked the old heart. It was low maintenance, didn’t require much upkeep, and sometimes I even forgot it was in there. The fact that I’m even writing anything emotional for the entire world to potentially see is a HUGE step. Like, for real. God revealed this to me around 2 years ago, but I’ve never published anything for people to read in a mass number.
Even when I think of my “new” heart. I like to think of an anatomical one, because that’s logical. However, in picture-land, this is what it probably looks like. ———->
When I compare my life to that of others (which I know you shouldn’t do, but who doesn’t?), I realize that I have lived a life similar to something you would hear from an 80 year old woman, who has slight dementia. I have seen and experienced more than I would EVER wish on anybody in their whole life, let alone someone my age.
I thank God that He rescued me from such a young age. Because without Him there is no doubt I would be a drug addict, alcoholic, have tons of children, or dead. I look at other people who have gone through similar situations and that’s basically what their lives are. I often ask God, “why them, and not me?”. My heart breaks for them. I want them to understand SO badly that there is a God that can be their strength when you have none left. That there is a God who can be your Father when yours isn’t there, or provide for you when the funds don’t look like their coming, or the hope you need when your heart is lower than low. There is a God that can be your Savior when nobody can save you, not even yourself.
(Notice how that whole last paragraph was totally heartfelt. Cool, right?!)
This entire thing came about because I’m realizing that it’s okay to have emotions for OTHERS to see, sometimes. Today I was laying in my bed watching The Big Bang Theory in my sweatpants. My friend came in after she got back from work, and asked me how I was. Due to things I can’t talk about on here because of confidentiality, I explained to her that I was not doing well and was essentially numbing my brain through television. She asked me if I had had a “good cry” about this particular situation. I looked at her like she had 7 heads, slightly laughed, and then realized she was serious.
I’ve never been the type of girl to sit, eat bon-bons, and cry. It’s just not my thing. I’m not wired like that. (I thought I was abnormal, but it’s actually part of my personality type! I’m just rare! Hooray!). So when she suggested this thing to me, I didn’t even consider it because it’s just not something I do.
However, I’m learning that I don’t have to be “strong” all the time, although I do believe God have given me a supernatural gift of emotional strength. It’s okay for people to know that I’m upset, or sad, or angry, or anything except “normal”. I mean, God has gifted me with a very level emotional state. I’m never SUPER anything. I’m never super mad, super happy, or super sad. But when I have a slight increase in a particular emotion, it’s okay for me to show it! I’m a pro at keeping it in, and taking it to God. But as far as others go…not so much.
Want to know the greatest thing about all of this?! The closer I get to God, the more I’m understanding the way He has truly designed my heart to be. He is a God of Love, and if I’m seeking to be more like Him everyday, then I need to be a woman of Love. I need to be a woman known for compassion, caring, and truth. Now, I will never be the girl who cries and eats bon-bons, because that’s not how my heart was created. But I know I’m created to have a soft heart, rooted in the truth and strength of God.
I think one of the main reasons God made me write this is because when I’m on the World Race, I’m going to be with 50 other squad members who are going to eventually know every single thing about me. They are going to see my emotions. On the rare occasion that I get frustrated, sad, or mad, they will be there. And I won’t even be able to lock myself in a room and watch The Big Bang Theory until it passes.
I have no doubt that God has been softening my heart just for this purpose. I’m sure I’m going to have a rush of many emotions. And I’m also sure that God will use my typical emotional stability in some way as well. I’m going to be holding orphans who’s parents died of AIDS, working with teen girls who have lived a life as a sex slave, and feeding starving people who walk miles just for clean water. – I’m sure all of it will be beyond anything I can prepare myself for. Thankfully, God knows. And He’s preparing me for it. It’s been quite the process, but somehow I’m already amazingly different than I was 2 years ago. And I can’t wait to see what I’ll be when I leave & come back from the World Race.
Well, as I promised in the beginning, I’m not even going to read through this again. I’m going to publish it as is. Maybe it won’t make sense, maybe it will. I’m not even quite sure if there is a theme, or if it’s just a bunch of rambling. Either way, here you go. I feel much better after obeying God (funny how that works!).- Goodbye for now! I’ve got some more episodes of the Big Bang Theory to catch up on! 😉
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