The last time I was in Uganda was the spring of 2001. 8 years ago. You can read in an earlier blog about some of the difficulties of that trip, but the bottom line is that I didn’t get to DO any of the things I was expecting to do. And that combined with some intense homesickness left me feeling much like a failure in those few months and even for a couple of years after returning home. But gradually the Lord changed my heart and showed me that it wasn’t about what I DID for him. He just wanted my heart. He wanted my obedience and my complete dependence on Him. And eventually, I understood that I had in no way disqualified myself from being used by Him in this way.
During those couple of years, the Lord very clearly promised me the chance to return to Uganda and last month, that promise was fulfilled. The Lord, however, made no promises about what would happen there. No promises of this trip being different than the last except that I wouldn’t be alone, I’d have people to go with me.
But I have to confess that somewhere in the eight years between, “You will go again and it won’t be alone” and getting the third Uganda stamp in my passport, I just might have added some words to that promise. Somehow expectations crept in of all the ways this time would be different, all the things the Lord was going to do in and through me this month. All the miracles I’d see, the relationships I’d build, the excitement that would characterize this trip.
Seriously? How could I so quickly disregard everything I’d learned the last time? All that business about the Lord caring about my heart and obedience. I KNOW all that. I believe all that! In theory, anyway.
But I guess my expectation was that since I had learned all those things the first time, that this time I’d get to see the ways the Lord used me, I’d get to see all of the fruit from my time there. That because I had learned to walk by faith not by sight, that this time I wouldn’t have to. How foolish. But God had something different in mind.
Instead, He gave me the chance to believe those things to be true when once again I wasn’t doing the things I had expected to do. When once again it was easy to feel like I wasn’t making a difference, I couldn’t see the fruit of my work. He gave me the chance to live like I actually believe the things I say I do. And if I’m honest, that was a struggle. It was a daily choice to continue to believe those things when I was back in a similar situation. Actually, it was a struggle to not be disappointed in the way the Lord fulfilled His promise. Or more accurately, the way He fulfilled the exaggerated promise I made up in my mind.
