As I sat journaling last night, I was in a bad mood. I’ve given up so much already this year and now the Lord was asking for more. Bitterly I wrote out, “Must you demand even this?” And of course, even as I wrote the words, I already knew the answer. In one sense I’ve always known, but it’s becoming more and more clear each day. I have to give up everything. Everything. I have no claim on anything, there’s nothing I am free to hold back for safekeeping. Suddenly the stakes have been raised and I wasn’t even completely aware I was playing the game. I just anted up in the highest stakes poker game of my life…and I did it knowing I’m going to lose. Because I have to lose in order to win.
It’s as if Jesus just looked right at me and said,
“I’ll see your small sacrifices, your comforts, your warm showers and soft beds. Even your personal space and seeing your family, your pride, your right to be right, everything you’ve already surrendered. I’ll see all of that…and I’ll raise you one life. Yours for mine. And, see, I can do that because I already surrendered my life. So what will it be? Are you in or are you out?”
I can still get out. I could fold right now and walk away having lost some important things, but still holding on to my life. I could finish this year having loved some children and helped people see Jesus. And it would be good. It would be a good year. Or I can call the hand. Knowing everything is on the table and I’ve got nothing in my hand. Knowing Jesus isn’t bluffing. Knowing I am going to lose everything But that’s the whole point of this heavenly poker game.
It seems utterly ridiculous. Why would I even begin this game knowing I’m going to lose so violently? Because of Luke 9:24.
“For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.”
This short sentence is given more emphasis in the Gospels than any other saying of Jesus. Unfortunately, that means He is quite serious about this. The problem is that I don’t lose. I don’t go into situations unless I’m pretty sure I can win, or at the very least, make a decent showing. Losing isn’t fun. And yet, that’s exactly what He is calling me to this year. I am painfully aware of the consequences. I have no misconceptions that this will not hurt. And yet, I’ve tasted His life. And I know I want His…even more than I want my own.
So, with reckless abandon, I am laying down my cards. Face up. Holding my breath, even though I already know the outcome. And then He lays down His.
I lose.
