under my breath, passing everybody around me. Who did he think he
was? I had been ready to let go of that log when I got to Sean and he
didn’t even give me a chance to tell him that! There were just too
many of us, so instead of talking with us, he made us walk more.
Stupid large squad messing everything up. I made it back up the hill
in record time and stomped my way back to Ben. There was no way he was
brushing me off this time! (Yes, looking back, I realize how
ridiculous this sounds, but it’s what was going through my head!)
He
asked me if I really thought I was ready to lay this down. I answered
with an emphatic, “Yes.” He told us to go up the platform and lay our
logs at the foot of the cross. We could mark that in any way we
wanted, but when we were done one of the other leaders would pray with
us. I practically ran up the steps of the platform and as I did, the
Lord spoke to me so clearly:
“You have laid
down this burden a hundred times before. Yes, you were ready to gently
lay it down when you reached Sean. And you probably could have walked
away from it the first time you reached the top of the hill. But I
don’t want you to gingerly lay this at my feet. I don’t want you to
simply be able to walk away. I want you to be repulsed by what this is
doing to you. I want you to be so sick of this that you can’t just lay
it down, you need to throw it as far away as possible. I need you to
kill this part of you.”
top of the platform, I knew what I needed to do. But there were
several folks having intense quiet moments before the Lord! I briefly
argued with the Lord that I didn’t want to interrupt them, I didn’t
want to cause a scene! Apparently, He didn’t care about that. So I
stood up on the bench, raised the log high above my head and threw it
to the ground with all my might. As I let go of it, a deep, guttural
groan escaped my lips and I literally felt myself being purged of the
sickness this was creating inside of me. As soon as it hit the ground,
I ran down, picked it up and ran back up to throw it again. I knew I
had to literally kill this part of me. Then a third time I ran down to
retrieve my log and finally, as I let it go, I knew it was gone. And
as I let go if it for good, the Lord gently reminded me,
“Your authority does not come from any role, title or position. Your
authority comes only from me. You’ve been living like you need a title
to have authority, you need other people to acknowledge that you are a
talented singer to sing well, etc. But your gifts are not meant to be
used simply to receive praise from others. Your authority to lead does
not primarily come from the position you hold. You have authority
because I have given you authority. Period. You’ve been given gifts,
not to define you, but to bring ME glory. Period. Now, live like it.”
apologizing to all those I had interrupted and walked over to Allison
who prayed for me and sealed what the Lord had done in me. And I felt
so light, so much freedom as I walked back to camp. It’s amazing how
tightly I had been clinging to my role, my titles, my positions,
believing that if I let go, I would disappear. And yet, I realized then that instead of disappearing, I felt like people were finally seeing me. Because I was finally free to be who God created me to be. Wow.
And
God spent the rest of camp teaching me that surrendering those things
didn’t mean I would never fill another role in a group or have a title
or hold a position. It didn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to operate in my
gifts anymore and it didn’t even mean people couldn’t acknowledge those
gifts in me. It simply meant I wasn’t living for those things. I
wasn’t striving for those things above all else. And I wasn’t left
unfulfilled when I wasn’t acknowledged. And somehow, in His miraculous
power, He is healing the marks left on my heart. It might take a
little longer than soap and water to wash off Sharpie, but sure enough,
those scars are healing over.
What a Gracious God!
