Camps are always prime times for the Lord to move–we turn off our cell phones, leave things that are familiar, have focused times of worship and prayer each day…actually, maybe they’re just prime times for us to SEE God moving.
I just finished my last camp with First Pres. And for some reason, this year we were expecting the Lord to move in really big ways. He didn’t disappoint.
He revealed Himself to students in new ways–in visions, in prayer, allowing them to hear and recognize His voice, in clothing them with boldness and authority. Students were hungry for more of Him, they were seeking Him and encouraging each other. As i talked with one student about full life in Christ, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “This is what I’ve been waiting for.” (I’ll blog more about this later.) It is an amazing thing watching students become truly alive in Christ.
But to be honest, many of the things i prayed for this week didn’t happen. I cried out to God for Him to reveal His love to one student. I begged Him to convict and soften the heart of another. I pleaded with Him to perform miracles in their lives. And to my knowledge, He didn’t. I prayed for other students and watched nothing happen, only to see other leaders pray over them and have their prayers answered. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am REJOICING over the ways God is moving. But I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a little part of me that wondered if my prayers weren’t good enough. If I wasn’t seeking enough. If I wasn’t saying the right words. If God was listening to me. You might have seen that little part of me. Or maybe not because sometimes I’m really good at hiding it. But let’s go ahead and call that little part of me what it is: pride. All week I intentionally pushed those thoughts from my mind only to find them creeping back in as I lay in bed at night. They never took over, but they gnawed around in the back somewhere, never letting me forget their presence for very long.
On the last night, we gave the students 45 minutes to spend time alone with the Lord. Usually i used this time to do that begging, crying and pleading I was talking about earlier. This night, the Lord told me he had that covered. (Hey, thanks God, I just thought you might, you know, need some help from me? No? Alrighty then.) He just wanted me to spend time with Him. So I did. I spread out on the ground, cleared my mind and waited. And waited. And forced myself not to check my watch. And waited some more. When I was certain our time must surely be over and someone had forgotten to play the siren, i waited some more. And finally, God spoke. Just a few simple words. I am humbling you. In one of my earlier blogs (Coming Soon), I wrote about wanting the Lord to empty me of my pride and that has been one of my deepest prayers over the past few months. With those 4 words, He reminded me that i asked for this. That He is answering my prayers. That He was making sure that there was no way I could take credit for what He is doing. And assured me that by emptying me of my pride now, He can use me more completely in the future. Well, of course. And so I was humbled again.
I have no use for you
you who tell me i am enough
you who tell me i am enough
i deserve, i did
i did what?
what did i do on my own?
that’s what i thought.
so pack up your suitcases
your decorations
your boxes and baggage
my heart is not your home anymore .
