Since my uncle passed away at the beginning of this month I have been at a loss for words to write. Since embarking on the Race I have never been at a loss for stories to tell or places of vulnerability to share, but this month, this month has been something new.
Even now I sit in front of my computer screen, I do not want to be here. I feel as if I have nothing to say, and the slow tap of my keyboard is unsettling in my heart.
Because you see, this past month the Lord showed me a glimpse of a piece of my future to come. I know I want to use my words to let people feel and experience what I am feeling and experiencing, this year and for a long time to come.
So of course as unsettling as the keyboard sounds to me, it is just as unsettling in the enemy’s mind my belief in the power of my words.
But the Lord has shown me the power of a voice this year. A voice that lives in the deepest depths of my soul screaming for me to let it be free of the shallow grave I have buried it in over and over again.
My creative voice. The voice that doesn’t match up with my much more overpowering logical voice, that says I need to figure out my life’s trajectory. The very same logical voice that leaves me in a paralyzing state whenever I witness people seeking whole heartedly after their dreams.
Because my dream was supposed to be sound and rational with a clear path that enabled me to make a checklist of my progress with a clear end goal. There was never supposed to be a black hole of an unknown whenever I looked at an upcoming year in my life.
The checklists I made on my life never worked out.
I fell in love with a sport. My dream was to play on the Olympic softball team. A little far fetched, but give me a break, I was 11, and softball was still an olympic sport.
My checklist consisted of me playing travel ball and throwing my whole self into camps, tournaments, and practices, make varsity as a freshman, and then go to college and play in national tournaments.
But my checklist never had tear my labrum and need surgery by the age of 17. And it surely did not have fall out of love with the sport and not get a scholarship to go to college on.
Instead, I went to Mexico on a mission trip, and then many more to follow that one. I fell in love with serving the Lord and helping people and I wanted to have a purpose that would sustainably help the people I came to do ministry with.
So I fell in love with medicine. My dream was to be a physician assistant, putting me in a less amount of years of schooling than med school getting me in the field faster and have more patient interaction.
My checklist was to go to UF and get an exercise physiology degree, work in a research lab, work at UF Health for hours after I graduated, and apply.
Be denied was never on the list, it was not a box I ever intended as an option of checking. It for sure never had laying it down and maybe never applying again on it, throwing away my six-year running checklist and dreams.
So instead I went on the World Race. My dream became to find a new dream.
My checklist was to go to training camp, go to launch, adventure around the world serving Jesus, and before I knew it be back in the airport in Jacksonville with the full knowledge of what was next for me. Possibly already having applied for it and waiting on the response.
My checklist never consisted of letting the Lord break me in to millions of pieces, letting myself be distracted by the same sin I couldn’t say no to over and over, crying more than I had in years, and hurting and being hurt by those I lived in community with.
It definitely without a doubt though did have find a way to fulfill my dreams in highlighted, bold, capital letters.
But what if you have a whole lot of passion and drive and are raring to go, but have no idea what your dreams are?
What if you have feet that are ready to move but do not have the slightest clue as to what direction to point them in?
This past month was rough for a number of reasons, but a lot of those reasons boil down to me stumbling along trying to listen to the voices in my head telling me to get my crap together, when in reality it means I have quieted God’s voice to a low whisper.
Loud enough so that I know it is there, but quiet enough that the fear overpowers it.
In my paralyzing state of thinking about my future, I lose sight of what is the ultimate lighthouse in my life. I lose sight of where I need to point my ship and forget to trust that land is just beyond the horizon, out of site but never lost.
I lose sight of what it means to dream with the Lord. To be in a place where His voice is so overwhelmingly loud, I cannot help but fall to my knees under the weight of it and His love for me.
I would like a direction, but I am ok without the checklist. For now I sit with a lot of passion, drive, and desire to dream. The main difference now though is I am not putting down any dream and denying my creative voice and the possibility of whatever the Lord has put as a desire on my heart.
Into the unknown I will plunge without my checklists and stay present in these last two months, because whatever is for me at home will be there when I get there in August.
