This part of the story takes place in Lesotho. In all honesty, the continent of Africa just did a number on my emotions and me that I just did not see coming.
The feelings were strong there.
Jesus walked me through what it looked like to come up against the lies of the enemy. He showed me how Satan is not a creative being so he has to go back and use old material, old battles that I have already fought and won in. He knows my insecurities so he likes to exploit them, even if the Lord has already granted me such freedom from them.
Why am I such a stubborn daughter, so quick to forget the victories Christ won for me?
During this past lent season, with each run, workout, or day in the kitchen chopping butternut squash with a dull blade (the best arm work out I had had in a long time), He reminded me of my incredible beauty and strength – physically, mentally, and spiritually. How unique He created me and formed my relationship with Him.
He told me with Him, I could move mountains, or at least climb them I later came to find out.
I had just returned from Natanya’s wedding in Drakensburg, completely refueled and rested. But it took exactly one night until I found myself broken down, ugly crying in the kitchen at our ministry site in Lesotho while doing dishes. I was burnt out and exhausted and all it took was one-day back.
Where is my strength, Lord? I thought we had covered this one. I am supposed to be stronger than this by now.
One day? Come on.
Not resolving anything before falling asleep later that night, I woke up the next morning in the same, for lack of a better term, funk. I was in a pit of tears that I would eventually drown myself in if I did not let the Lord in and do something about it.
But have I mentioned how stubborn of a child I am?
So naturally, I thought I could go throughout my day and go to ministry at the school like nothing was wrong. Forget the tears silently flowing down my cheeks in the car ride there, I was just fine.
Praise, Jesus, for giving me our host, Pieter, who got out of the car as Stefany was praying for me before going into the classroom. He came up to me and very sweetly said, “Get back in the car.”
Only Pieter would be capable of saying something so direct but make it sound endearing. Like a loving father who knows what is best and makes it sound like an option. Although, he was more so very clearly insinuating I did not have a choice and that I should not do ministry that day.
In the car He told me to go spend the day with Jesus, to take off on a run and meet Him exactly where He wants me to.
I will never forget how he told me to go find a spot and then play the saddest song on my playlist and just cry it all out in one big swoop. Just one giant, snotty, ugly, red-faced cry, sometimes you just need that to gain freedom the Lord is calling you into. Pieter really had a beautiful way with words.
So I took off for 4 hours and just listened for my Father’s voice.
I would have been gone for longer but, way to go me, I forgot water and was basically crawling back to the base by the end of it dehydrated.
After running for about an hour or so through the valley I stopped and stared up at a mountain and I heard Him whisper, “Climb it.”
Excuse me? Do you see how that is a full-fledged (or at least it was to me) mountain? The definition of a mountain in Florida is a landfill or maybe just a really steep road, I like to climb things but I am not equipped for this.
But up I went.
I found a slight comfort in the shepherd I could tell was watching in the valley below. I am almost positive he did not have any faith in the American girl climbing the side of this rocky mountain, so he kept himself and his flock nearby if I came tumbling down.
His lack of faith, or the thoughts I imagined him having, fueled me to keep going. My leg muscles burned and my lungs screamed for oxygen, but the Lord told me, “Just keep going, a little further.”
Keep pushing.
When it gets tough, don’t you dare give up.
You are a daughter to the KING, you are royalty in My kingdom and I long for you to believe it.
Keep fighting and just climb.
And how Ben Howard’s Old Pine will forever bring me back to a beach during the summer of 2013, the great theologian, Miley Cyrus’s The Climb will always bring me back to that dry, boiling February morning on the mountain side in Lesotho.
“There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb.”
The Climb, Miley Cyrus
Could I be more cliché? Probably not, but those lyrics ran through me like a race horse on steroids.
There is always going to be mountains I am going to come up against, and I am going to fight every single one of them. Some battles will take longer than others, and sometimes (thought I hate to admit it) I will fail and come hurling down the mountain.
But it is not about the other side or the mountain top experiences in life. It is about the fight right smack in the middle on the face of the mountain to put one foot in front of the other, tripping and sliding down loose rocks and praying that your hand hold on the rock above you is secure as you pull your exhausted self up.
It is about getting back up with blood, sweat, and tears and facing the challenge again when you fall down. Gritting your teeth and getting filthy in the process, expecting the Lord to move in ways you did not even know you were capable of.
Never place a lid of limits or expectations on God. He will blow it off every time. And forget the figurative challenging ‘mountains’ in your life, He will probably tell you to go climb a literal mountain to show you.
I got to the peak and the Lord filled my lungs with some of the freshest and crispest air I had ever breathed in. I was almost concerned it was too healthy for me, if that were even possible.
At the peak, He reminded me of all of the internal battles I was fighting. How my head was a constant warzone that He could not come and fight alongside me and before me if I did not trust Him and let Him in.
He showed me that for this season, maybe right now, the fight is my story.
My feelings are meant to be felt.
My feelings are meant to be recognized as a sign that there is a fight going on inside of me.
And I am not going to lose this one.
Because in a fight to learn to view yourself how the Lord views you, He will never want you to lose. He will fight like hell for you and your heart to be fully His and for you to feel as loved as you are by Him.
He gave the incredible view of the Malealea Valley below me and told me He had created the view for me to see in that moment. As beautiful and majestic as I saw it to be and moved as I was by it, it was nothing compared to what the Lord was cooking up. He was preparing to teach me about how He viewed me when I climbed down to the road and climbed up in a peach tree.
And you know what is harder than climbing up a mountain? Climbing down a mountain.
It was a hardcore struggle bus on the way down in running shoes that have barely any tread on them anymore. Flies kept swarming my head, because Lord knows how awful my body odor was at that point in the day from sweating under the African sun.
Every once in a while I would get a wind gust and the flies would blow away. Just a beautiful reminder from the Lord that He wanted to fight my big battles but also cared just as much about the little struggles and fights.
Sometimes you just have to climb a mountain and come back down to gain perspective.
And from there, is when He took me up into a peach tree.
Part 3 (and final blog in the series) to come next!
