For those who know me best, you know that I have struggled through this thing called life. I grew up in the church, but I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus. I fell away from God for a long time starting in high school and continuing into adulthood. After an experience my first year teaching high schoolers, God called me back to Him and I went to church most Sunday’s and then called it good. I prayed when times were bad or I needed help, but didn’t talk to my Father on a minute to minute basis. I called myself a Christian but I didn’t walk the walk, I only talked the talk when I wanted to. My life hasn’t been an easy walk in the park and I have always walked with shame and guilt written across my face.
Shame of my choices made in my teens and 20’s. Shame of the decisions I made to get me to where I was. Shame of letting the people closest to me down. Shame of walking through life blind to the consequences of my actions.
Guilt of not being able to control my actions. Guilt of pretending to be someone I was not. Guilt of not being the person I always dreamed I would be. Guilt of the consequences of my actions coming full force to swipe me off of my feet.
I walked in this shame and guilt for a long time. It seemed to be a downward spiral that only continued to get worse and worse with time. I thought I would be able to forget all of the poor choices I made, but they only seemed to create a hole so deep that no ladder could reach down to save me.
That feeling of being so deep in your own mess, that you created, is one I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. It is a feeling I know all too well. It is a feeling that I think all of us know all too well.
All the time I would ask myself, “How in the world did my life end up like this?” And then like a full force wind all of my past mistakes would smack me in the face and remind me how I ended up a mess.
A completely ugly and pitiful mess.
But this month the Lord changed the adjective in that sentence. It’s crazy how one word can change the whole meaning of something.
A beautiful mess.
He told me, “Kelli your “mess” is so beautiful. Your “mess” will bring people to me. Your “mess” has power for MY name.”
Wait. What?!?!
(A local family in the village of Ensenada that I got to love on this month)
This month in Ensenada, Lake Izabal, Guatemala our host told us we were going to experience Jesus in a new way. The second I heard her say this, I believed it with my whole being. I knew that the Lord was going to do something really special in this month that we had in the absolutely breathtaking country of Guatemala. I just felt it. I just knew it. I just believed it.
We had the privilege of meeting a man named Pastor Antonio who is a Prophet of the Lord. He speaks truth. He is a mouthpiece of our Heavenly Father. He knows our Lord Jesus Christ on a deeply personal level that I am thirsty and hungry for.
Jesus spoke to me through the mouth of Pastor Antonio and I wanted to share my prophesy with all of you. He went around the circle of all of us gringas and laid his hand upon us. The second he got to me, I knew it was the Lord speaking to me. My lower jaw started quivering and I felt the presence of our Savior. I felt Jesus’ love and then Pastor Antonio started speaking:
“You have a pain in your belly and I am going to heal you today. I can see right now, that inside your belly in your left ovary there has been a pain, but today you will be healed completely. I am doing surgery right now. I am doing surgery right now on your left ovary. Just trust me. Trust me. Anything that doesn’t work inside of your belly, just trust me because I am the Doctor of doctors and I am doing surgery right now. Thank you Jesus. You know what, you will have 3 days that you will have to rest because I have performed surgery on your left ovary. Just believe it. Don’t lift anything heavy for 3 days. For 3 days relax and don’t do anything. Receive the blessing of the Holy Spirit. Something supernatural is coming upon your life. Something you have never felt before and you are going to testify wherever I take you. You are going to testify what I have done in your life. You are going to lift My name on high. You will lift My name on high. A lot of people, My daughter, are going to believe when you open your mouth because you will not speak about any man, you are going to speak about the power of the Holy Spirit and many people are going to believe the Word. They will believe because of the words that come out of your mouth.”
First off, I have never experienced anything like this. Second off, only Jesus and a few people knew that my biggest fear since I was about 16 was that I was infertile. Third off, after the surgery Jesus knocked me off of my feet for 3 days. I couldn’t physically get out of bed. Fourth off, Jesus showed me that my mess is beautiful and that I need to tell more people about how He saved me from my ugly mess and turned it into a beautiful mess.
Some of you may not believe that all of this happened and that I actually received healing from Jesus. I don’t have proof that I was healed, not yet, but I have the faith to know that I was completely healed. Some of you may not believe in Prophets and what they say, but I have the faith to know that the Holy Spirit is capable of far more than we give Him credit for. I know that every time I open my mouth and speak truth, that God gave me that breath for His glory. Some of you may not believe that Jesus can turn an ugly mess into a beautiful mess, but I have the faith to believe that my story will change somebody’s life.
Jesus has taken away my shame and guilt that I held on to for far too long. He replaced that shame and guilt with His love and grace. God has shown me that my story matters. That every story matters. He has given me the confidence to stand firm in His presence and to know that He is carrying me every step of the way and to let other people know that He is doing the same for them.
Every single day on this journey I have prayed to experience a healing miracle with my own eyes. Jesus showed me just how big He is and let me experience one for myself. Some days I just can’t take in everything that Jesus has done for me, some days I can’t stop thanking Him for this life, some days I am just overwhelmed for His love of this beautiful mess.
Thank you for giving my ugly mess the beauty of You.
Pray with me.
Father,
Thank You for the Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me walk each day on this earth with You inside of me. Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for never leaving my side through all of those hard times. Thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love that is not based on how “good” or “bad” I am, but is always the same. Thank You Jesus for miracles and healings. Thank You for turning what seems to be ugly things into absolutely beautiful things. I just pray that anything inside of my heart and soul and earthly body that needs to be healed, that You will heal it right now in Jesus’ name. I pray that anyone who is going through a hard time, that You will let them experience Your Holy Presence. Jesus thank You for daily communion with You and for counting me worthy of Your love. I love You so much.
I ask this in Jesus’ Name. Amen!
Today is our last day in Guatemala and I am off to Belize for my final month of the Race. Wow! Time has flown by and I am eternally grateful for all of your prayers, support, and love throughout these 11 months. All of you mean more to me than you’ll ever know and I am praying blessings over you and your family constantly! I’ll let you know when I make it to Belize! Adios Amigos!
