So I haven't posted a blog in well over a month.
I could give you a bunch of reasons as to why this is the case, like, "I've been really busy", or "My computer is on the edge of death", or "I forgot how to use words", but I won't.
The truth is; I just haven't wanted to. At all.
The couple weeks after training camp were wonderful. I felt refreshed and excited and totally ready for the Race. If we could've left for it immediately afterward…well, that would've been great. But we didn't. We came back to our homes, to our jobs, to the responsibility and the comfort of, you know, life. And spending this month-and-some-odd weeks back at home has given me time to (over)think, and has made me feel all sorts of things I did not expect to be feeling after training camp. Like fear, worry, doubt, and all that other stuff that none of us really wish we had to deal with right now…
And I have been feeling guilty about it ever since the feelings started to manifest. I keep being told that my fear is not from God. People have tried to pray it out of me, to no avail. I watch most of my other squadmate's enthusiasm play out on social networking sites, and my anguish grows as I realize how inadequate my current state of mind is, or at least, seems.
To be totally honest; I feel alone in this. I have felt recently that I am the only one sort of freaking out about the fact that I am leaving everything for a year and that my freaking out is not acceptable. Can I just please say, to anyone else who is feeling the nervous, giant knot-in-the-stomach, "I don't know if I'm ready for this" feeling…it is okay. It is normal. It is innate in our psychology to fear the unknown. We are humans who are used to certain things and we are leaving those certain things for a year. In the grand scheme of things; a year is not that long. But in the face of what (at times) seems like insurmountable uncertainty, a year is, or at least seems, like a very long time.
So yes, I trust God. I know that this year will be exactly what it needs to be, for us and the people we will encounter (whatever that looks like). But I, for one, am going to stop feeling guilt for feeling, well…something that is completely normal. This is all part of the process, and for me, it is a necessary one. I do not want to speak for everyone, and if you are feeling 100% confident about all of this, then I praise God for that and hope that someday soon I will be where you're at. But for now, I will take these feelings as they come, because they are feelings that need to be dealt with. I came into this World Race experience back in May knowing full-well that there was gonna be some tough stuff waiting for me up ahead, and I decided then to embrace it all. The good, the bad, the confusing, the hilarious, the solemn, the awe-inspiring, and the anger inducing. I feel very strongly that what God wants from me (and you) is to feel the fullness of life, in it's fullest and realest capacity, and to take all the difficult crap and to turn it into something beautiful.
Worry, doubt, and fear are not ideal things for me to be feeling right now; I will admit that. I sincerely wish I were not feeling them. But I am. And I will continue to take these feelings to God when I need to and I am confident He will use them to reveal some stuff in my life that I was maybe not aware of before. I do not want to repress or supress, because I feel then that I am denying myself the right to fully experience the life that God has offered me, on both ends of the spectrum. Not to mention repressing and suppressing things I should've dealt with before the Race will come to bite me in the butt (in a big way) while on the Race, and nobody wants that. I want this experience to be as real as it can be and this is all a part of that realness. Maybe not yours, but it's part of mine.
Is that bad? I hope not. Maybe my thinking is flawed on this, but I'm just doin' the best I can with what I got (which is my brain).
I guess I would like to leave you with this:
I will still be launching in January with the rest of my squad and the other three squads.
I will arrive in Washington D.C., wide-eyed and naive with my Nalgene filled to the brim with airport water and my pack stuffed with a bunch of crap I'm probably not going to need.
I will go out into the world being grateful for the fact that I have even been given this opportunity, and loving/listening to people who need it.
I will have incredible experiences with my team and make them feel awkward when my oftentimes unrelatable sense of humor starts to show itself in full-form.
I will also probably cry, a lot. I will miss home. I will be tired, cranky, and long for my own bed. I will lament not being able to go to the grocery store to buy chips and hummus at 1 in the morning.
But I'll be there, with whatever enthusiasm I can muster up and a sincere, huge, unwaivering love for God and for people.
Thank you and goodnight.
-Kelley
