A few days ago I wrote a blog about a realization I had. In summary, this realization is that my relationships with people mirror my relationship with God. Which would be a good things if I had healthy relationships or community within my relationships, but I don’t.
Ultimately, when I’m going through crisis or life just gets hard, confusing, or complicated I turn away from people and close them out. I do this with God. I don’t trust people and in the same way I don’t trust God. I expect them not to be there for me, I don’t let them love on me when I need it, and I don’t trust them to carry my burdens with me.
Fun, right!? NO!!! This means that a majority of my relationships are shallow and superficial. It means that I’m an Island – I am Isolated. It can mean that I am lonely at times. And it means that I don’t get the help I need, the support I need, the love I need when I need (and when I don’t).
This is not a healthy or good place to be in, but I know that it is a lot easier for me to go to actual people when I need to. You see, my parents are physically present and love me. I have friends who are physically present and love me. So when I am clearly going through something or having a bad day they pry. (Which I usually hate)! I get texts that say “Is everything okay?” I get asked what’s going on. I get phone calls and asked if I want to hang out more frequently because they’re trying to be supportive even when I’m shutting them out.
On occasion, I cave. I tell someone. It usually takes way longer than it should, but I’m not willing to open up, be vulnerable and then get hurt. I’m just not.
But one thing I can say for sure it that I very, very rarely turn to God. He’s there too. But he’s not a physical presence texting he, calling me, or talking to me, so in a sense I forget about him. Really I’m just ignoring him. He’s right there, but it is a lot harder for me to seek him when I need him than it is for me to seek at a concrete person.
This is something that I NEED to change. It’s something I NEED to work on. But there is one tiny little problem… I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. (Yes, I know I should read my Bible and pray when I’m in crisis, but that’s not what I’m asking). How to I go from not being willing to open up to opening up.
What do I do to work on this. What are some steps I can take? How to I change this nasty habit of trying to carry life’s boulders on my own?
So this blog is almost like a cry for help. I don’t know what to do, so if you’ve been where I am can you tell me what you did? If you are one of those people who go to God in crisis can you tell me what you do?
Please leave a comment of send me a chat. Because I want to hear from you – I want your help in working on this struggle I have.
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