cutting the umbilical cord again.

As a child you typically feel safe, nurtured, loved, protected, and free to make mistakes. 
 

These feelings come because you are in a loving environment. Your first relationships built are with your parents and your immediate family. Since being a child my mom has been my everything. She is an outstanding women and has shown me what it looks like to love someone when they don't make it easy.

As a child I didn't make it easy for my mom to love me at all. I was stuck by her hip all the time, and engaged in her conversations as a young child. My home growing up was not always a safe place, there was yelling, fighting, and crying more times than I can count. 

But even in all that I knew my mom was there for me and cared for me, she was my safe place.
 

I didn't go to birthday parties alone because I was so dependent on my mom. Friends spent the night at my house not the other way around. 

I remember being 7 years old dropped off at a girlfriends birthday party and feeling really anxious. My mom assured me she would be back to pick me up when the party was over, but that didn't help. As she drove away I watched her pull the white Dynasty down the road as tears filled my eyes.

I was the kid at the party that parents hated because I cried the entire time.  This time the dad loaded me up into the car and asked if I knew where my mom was at. She had told me she was going to Walmart and that is where we found her. There I was standing at the end of all the checkouts crying uncontrollably as this father was searching for a woman he had met 10 mins ago to return her daughter.
 

My mom was my safe place and when she wasn't around I was afraid of the what if's. 
 

What if she didn't come back for me
What if she died when I wasn't with her
What if i missed out on something
what  if she needed me and i wasn't there
what if…
 

All of these which I had to give up and let God have when I went on the race in September 2011.  And God taught me so much about how I couldn't hold onto the relationship with my mom with fists clenched. But most importantly how she couldn't be my God. She could not be my safe place. 

But here I am again. In a new environment knowing my mom is only 12 hrs away and wanting her to be my safe place. Knowing that she is the only one who truly understands me. Knowing she will love me know matter what I do to her. So I grabbed the relationship back with both hands and held tightly to it. 

Why do we take back the things God has told us to let go of?

Today I had to lay down my relationship with my mom again. You could say I had to cut the umbilical cord one more time. Yes she does love me, Yes she does provide a space for me to make mistakes, and Yes I can process with her because I don't have to give background to the context. 

However I'm no longer in Michigan, I'm in Georgia. Which means I have to be present here. I can't cry uncontrollably hoping someone takes me back to my mom. I have to trust God and believe that he has placed me with people here who care for me, are trustworthy, and will let me be free to make mistakes. 

I have to fully leave the nest and FLY, knowing that I don't fly alone but with a flock of others to support me.