As I mentioned in my last blog in Tanzania I started struggling with depression and anxiety again. I was not in a good place and was not operating in who God had called me to be since being on the race. In the whole month of Tanzania I did not speak at service or at gatherings once. The anxiety was to much to handle that. I could still share the gospel at home visits when the groups were small, but the huge African church services were just to much for me and my team loved me in a way that accepted me right where I was.
Once arriving in Rwanda our team leader met with our pastor to find out what ministry would look like. When he came back in to let us know I was told the one thing I did not want to hear, " there will be plenty of chances for everyone to speak this month, and this month we all we share." While still dealing with my anxiety this freaked me out. I did not know how God was going to use me in this to share with his children when I could barely share with my new team of 8.
That night our team leader told us about ministry and how one person would share in the morning at the devotion time, and then one person would share at night for service. I did the math quickly in my head and realized that was 12 chances to speak in just one week, and with only 8 people on the team that meant some people would have to double up and speak more than once during the week. This cause my anxiety to escallade, I didn't want to speak once let alone twice in a week, and I surely didn't want these new 7 people i'm now on a team with to think I wasn't carrying my own weight. However when they paper came by to sign up for a time slot to speak I picked Friday night, and only signed up for one.
Later that night while talking with my team leader I shared where the anxiety was and that I wasn't sure if i would be able to share on Friday or not. He encouraged me in the best way he could have in that situation and that was by letting me know that he knew from talking to my past leaders that I was not a slacker and that if I needed a week to get back on track someone could take the spot for me. Sure enough Friday came and went and I did not speak to the church. By then the anxiety was getting better but it still was to hard to speak in front of that many people.
On Sunday night we passed the paper around again for the second week of services. This time I signed up for the Monday morning devotional time slot. On Monday morning I woke up feeling anxious I knew I was supposed to speak and that it was going to be about living in community. However as soon as I sat down in the chair to speak my chest felt very heavy and my eyes started to get the feeling like I was going to cry at any minute. I was very close to looking at one of my teamates and telling them they would have to deliver a message because I could not do it. But instead I said a little prayer in my head and knew I had to jump out of the boat.
God is a gentlman he is not going to push me to do anything. However i'm not doing my self any good by sitting in the boat when I know Jesus is standing there ready to grab my right hand and walk with me. So I started speaking and I spoke for the first time since dealing with anxiety and depression to a group of people. The message went fine and the spirit definetly showed up and spoke through me for about 20mins. The message was much needed not only for me to hear and to step out in faith but also for the women and for my team.
After speaking and sharing verses with the sewing students I felt the peace that only Jesus can give us. The day was good and I had taken the first step into the healing process that is coming through Jesus. I'm still processing through the healing that is coming and how Jesus is working through that. The anxiety is definetly getting better but it is a day by day process. With Jesus we are fighting through it and seeing the new depths in our relationship toghether.
I would greatly appreciate any prayers or encouragment you have to offer.
