I can remember ever since I was little singing to songs on the radio. From the time I could talk to the time I could have an opinion about what was on the radio I was singing to Alabama, Garth Brooks, and any other famous country singer in the late 80’s, ACDC, Kiss, and Metallica. Mind you I didn’t know all the words but I made up whatever I didn’t know. However once I could tell my parents what I wanted to listen to it became “please turn it to 103.3” it was the popular music, cool music. I was then singing along to Backstreet boys, Nsync, Brittany Spears, TLC, and anything else that became cool in the 90’s.
However it became that whenever I started singing in the car the radio would get louder while I sang by my parents turning it up. I knew I didn’t have an outstanding singing voice but I didn’t think it was awful at the time. I remember when my stepsister Emily would come over and she would be singing in the car and she had such a beautiful voice. I would ask her all the time if she could teach me how to sing. I remember my mom singing to me all the time, and singing in the car and thinking I wish I could sing like that. However at the time I was about 10 I started getting a complex that I couldn’t sing and that I should sing quitter so I didn’t hurt peoples ears.
I remember times riding in the car and I would be staring off to space thinking and singing and the question would come out “who sings this” at first it would throw me off and I would try to answer the question. But then the reply was always the same “then let them sing it.” I know this person loves me and didn’t want to crush my heart but it definitely helped to encourage the complex. My freshman year of high school I took choir for the first time thinking it would help me be a better singer, ever since 6th grade I had played the clarinet in band and was good at it, but the clarinet wasn’t what I wanted I wanted a voice to sing with that wouldn’t hurt people’s ears. I enjoyed my choir class the classmates were amazing and the teacher was great. However I placed myself as an alto and never sang louder than a whisper. When we went to completion one of the judges asked us all to make a vowel with our mouth showing the shape, and I was the one called out for not doing it correctly making the tone of the sound bad. This added to my complex even more.
In my freshman year I also accepted the Lord into my life and was now attending church regularly. But I would not sing worship songs in church but only about a mumble if that, because someone might hear me, and not like it which would interfere with them entering a place of worship with the Lord which is something I didn’t want to do. So instead of just worshiping the Lord like I wanted to do I sang quietly to myself.
Singing worship songs quietly to myself was the hardest thing for me. I love to worship the lord and singing puts me in a great mood. But I really didn’t want to have someone hear a bad note or poor tone and not be able to enter in to their own worship because of me.
This is a battle I fought and kept fighting until I got on the race. Month one my teammates were finding their voice and singing out and sounding beautiful. I confessed that I didn’t sing out because I didn’t want to hurt their ears. I was told that was a lie and to worship the Lord fully. I started singing louder than a mumble but not as loud to be heard by everyone in the room. Month two I confessed that I felt the Lord was telling me to sing louder but I was scared to because it might distract or hurt someone’s ears. One teammate told me that she had heard me sing and it wasn’t bad.
WHAT!!! Then why would I have the comments made to me about singing and the radio turned up when I start to sing? Another teammate told me she had a verse for me and it was Song of Solomon 2:10-12 (10My beloved speaks and says to me “Arise, my love my fair one, and come away; 11for now the winter is past the rain is over and gone. 12The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land”)
Often times this month we were asked to sing in front of groups of people and normally I would find an excuse to get out of it. But knowing that God’s love is what I’m singing about I can’t make an excuses but to sing it over his children and know that they could care less what I sound like. They are just excited there are 6 American’s among them who would like to sing them a song.
I realized that the Lord doesn’t care what we sound like as long as we are worshiping him His word tells us to make a joyful noise it doesn’t say a noise that is pleasant and sounds good. He just wants to hear our heart for him through our voice and singing. Worship for me is a way to enter into the Lord’s presence and really feel him right there with me. It’s the time when he speaks to me the most. There is no way he wants me to keep that from him. I also realized it doesn’t matter what those around me hear because they will be hearing my heart for the Lord, which is something that is pure and in love with her creator. Worship is not a time to be listening to see what the people around you sound like and judging them, it’s a time to love on my daddy who loves me. Just like a child will come home from school and sing all the wonderful songs they were taught and their parents just love hearing them sing and the joy that comes with their child’s excitement to show them a new song (or at least are a little excited the first time to hear it maybe not the 100th sorry mom) Our heavenly father loves it when we come to him as children eager to sing him a song about his love and character that he doesn’t care what it sounds like.
This is definitely something new I’m walking in this month. I’m learning to worship my God with a voice that isn’t hidden under my breath but is bold and shows my heart for Him and His love to others.
