Kayla, I have noticed that you seem to take on burdens from worrying for other people. It is good you care so much, but you need to learn to give those to God and not allow them to affect you so much.
Those are basically the words I heard from one of my teammates back in Guatemala.
The problem is: I allow myself to become emotionally consumed with worry for others.
It has been something I have always done… I worry about my family… my friends… and so on.
I never thought much of it as being a problem, but it is. Being compassionate for people is fine… praying for them… wanting better for them…
But, I worry a little too much. I don’t easily give the problem to God.
So… the solution would be… Trust God… Right?
Easy answer. The answer I tell others all the time. When someone has a problem…
Trust God!
But, what does that really mean?
Something I never thought about until I left Guatemala…
You see, in Guatemala I met a wonderful friend named Alex.
Alex is 18 years old and lived at the home we stayed at. We were told from day one not to ask the kids about their pasts… so we didn’t.
These kids came from all different backgrounds… mothers who were prostitutes, parents who were addicted and selling drugs, or just kids who were kicked to the streets for no reason other than there parents didn’t want them or couldn’t care for them.
We understood and completely respected why they wanted to protect the kids from their pasts and reliving those memories… We definitely do not want the pasts of these kids to determine their future.
Well, over the course of our month there, I grew to really love Alex! He became like a little brother to me. And, the more we hung out, the more he opened up to me. And, one night, without me asking anything, he told me his past… his whole story. My heart broke for this boy as he told me about his family and his pain.
The asking God… Why Me?
I left that conversation also asking God… Why Alex? Why can’t he have a family that loves him and supports him? Why can’t he have a home to go to each night like I do back with my family? Why him?
But, then again… Why any child?
Alex is just one of the millions…
One of my biggest concerns with Alex is that he is 18… an adult… and has not even finished 8th grade yet.
So, what happens next? What happens when he leaves the home? With only an 8th grade education…
I don’t really understand how things work there once the kids leave the home. So, I worry about it.
I worry about where he is going to go… I worry about what he is going to do… I worry that he is not going to get the opportunity to live out his dreams… I worry that he will feel alone… I worry about leaving him.
I worry because I love him.
So what is this answer I am told… Trust God?
Of course that is the answer… Right?
But, does trusting God mean that bad things are not going to happen… That life for Alex is going to be wonderful… That he will be able to finish school… That he is going to have a place to live…
No… Trusting God does not guarantee these things.
So, outwardly, I say I am trusting God with the situation. But, in my heart, I know I am not. Because trusting God does not mean that bad things won’t happen. Therefore, I struggle with completely giving all of my worries to God and being at peace with them.
But, there is nothing I can do at this point anyways… I have to leave Guatemala and head to Honduras.
God is teaching me a lesson…
So, I talk to many of my teammates and squad mates about my struggle. A struggle I never thought I would have… trusting God.
God… the creator of this world.
God… the all knowing.
God… the always present.
God… the One who will never leave us nor forsake us.
God… the One who knows the number of the stars in the sky, sand on the shores, and hairs on my head.
Shoot… he is the only one who even knows the number of freckles I have!
God… the One who is WORTHY OF MY TRUST!
So, where do we go from here…
We start another month.
And, BOOM! God hits me again with this lesson… hard and right out of the starting gate.
As soon as we get to Honduras, I meet amazing boys! Boys who have had rough pasts as well. Boys who grew up in the most dangerous area around Tegucigalpa… Los Pinos. Boys who have an addiction to paint thinner to help them forget about how hungry or alone they are. Boys who have had to run the streets and have been robbing people in order to get more paint thinner…
But, these boys have come to live with Tony and change their lives. They are here on their own free will and can leave anytime they want. But, when they leave, they walk away… Being with Tony is a commitment they are making.
Again, this month, I have a boy I do ministry with open up to me in confidence and share about his past and a struggle he is still currently facing… a struggle that is affecting his whole life. An addiction of sorts…
God puts this boy on my heart constantly during the month. I have many conversations with him, hoping my words will have some influence and bring light to his life. I want to see the fruits of this labor. But, no immediate change on the situation.
Really God? You must really want me to learn this lesson… I don’t think you are giving up until I learn it.
I am continuing to learn and struggle when it hits again…
Basically, we took some of the boys to church with us each Sunday. The Sunday before this one, three of the boys came with us and really enjoyed our church. In fact, one of the boys, Herman decided he wanted this church to be his new church. He had made an agreement with Tony that he would not go back to Los Pinos for 6 months, and since this church was not in LP, he decided to make it his new church. Awesome! I was really excited that he liked it and connected with Pastor and his family so well.
So, the next Sunday we head to church, but when we get there, the boys do not want to go in. They are using the excuse that they are dirty… but really, they just do not want to be there. One of the boys who was with us had a lot of influence on the other boys… I think if he would not have been there, this would not have been a problem.
After a short period of time, we convinced the youngest boy who was with us to go into church, but the older 2 were not budging.
My squad leader and I tried to talk to Herman and the other boy, but it did no good.
Here is Herman… a boy who I have grown to love over the past couple weeks… a boy who has come so far since being with Tony.
His life is really turning around… and he is going to let this other boy influence him today and ruin it all. He is going to walk away and break his promise to Tony by heading to Los Pinos.
My heart was broken. I was so disappointed in him. He is so much better than this. He has so much potential.
But, he leaves…
So what now… trust God? Trust God that he will get another chance if he tries to come back to Tony after breaking his promise? Trust God that he will even make it through the night? I have heard there are people in Los Pinos not very happy with him and looking for him… He could be killed tonight. Or, he may just chose to never come back to Tony’s and return to his past.
God… Am I supposed to be at peace right now in complete trust that this situation is in your hands, knowing that something bad may happen still… because I am really struggling right now.
Thankfully, this was a successful story… he did come back and Tony is giving him another chance. And, he is working really hard to prove he wants to be with Tony and change his life.
But, what if this happens again…
What about the other boys… if they leave…
What about my friend who has an addiction or sorts that is very dangerous for his spiritual life…
What about Alex still in Guatemala…
What about my family and friends back home…
Is there a breaking point when I can’t take on any more?
That is when God steps in and puts me in my place.
He says… You don’t trust me? Why not? Do you really believe you love these people more than I do?
Oh snap!
How dare I think I love these boys more than God does. His love is unfailing… pure… never ending… forgiving…
HIS LOVE… not mine.
Sure, I love these boys… but God’s love for them is so much greater that it cannot even be compared to mine.
HIS LOVE FOR THEM… THAT IS WORTH TRUSTING!
