I said goodbye.
In front of her parent’s house, the same scene for our first major goodbye three long years ago;
“Do you remember when we talked about our last time we said goodbye?” I asked.
She nodded and laughed.
We were so young, then, standing on the cusp of a whole new season. And here I am standing again, and here I am still feeling so incredibly young.
In a parking lot, lingering, lines of cars waiting to park stacking up behind us;
“I love you!”
“I love you.”
“And I’ll see you so soon!” I promised, knowing it’s not quite the truth.
She turned her head away to hurry to her car. I knew she was crying. She is the sister God kept bringing back and back and back into my life. I’ll miss her, as I’ll miss so many, but I hope soon my memory brings laughs, not tears.
At a Christmas party in September, wearing sweaters and standing in front of sparkling trees;
“WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
They’ll never know how much that meant to me.
They’ll never know how much joy and surprise I felt to see them in Christmas sweaters, singing so badly, but loving me so well.
On a porch, a figure silhouetted in a doorway, watching me walk away;
The walls of her house whisper memories to me as I step out of the front door for likely the last time and walk into the darkness of night. And I couldn’t help but to look back, only to see her standing there, the front door open, warm light streaming around her as she watched me get in my car.
As I drive away, I see the obvious metaphor of this goodbye– Stepping from the known into the unknown.And I am comforted to remember that in the darkness of the unknown, all I have to do is look back to see supporters standing there cheering me on.
In a stairwell, looking back at closed apartment doors, heart swelling;
A new relatively new friend, but a dear, dear one. You know those people who speak your same language? Yeah.
“I’m so proud of you.” I said. That was part of my goodbye, and I worry she thinks I’m just throwing those words around, as people sometimes do.
“No, I’m proud of you.” She said back. I ducked my head struggling to take the compliment, the same one everyone’s been saying this whole season.
Maybe I was created to be brave.
At two in the morning, walking away from something old and familiar;
It was a goodbye I was afraid to have, but I read a book about living a good story and doing things that are hard because sometimes the hard things to do are the most important.
After our talk, I stood and watched him walk across the street for a second before turning and heading off my own way. I looked up at the lit courthouse in the city where my heart lives, and considered how all the plans I had were completely uprooted and turned on their heads when the Lord made His grander, better plans known to me.
Life, huh?
With a fountain gurgling in the background and bugs biting my toes;
She is the one who helped me make a house feel like a home and walked the trenches with me simply by being who she is.
“Don’t forget—love does!” I say to her as she’s walking away from me.
“Yeah, it’s our mantra!” She calls back. And that’s so her, a loving force that does because God called her to do.
I carry this thought with me and commit in my heart, for the hundredth time since training camp, to live out God’s love as a verb this year.
Outside a Dairy Queen, the neon lights glowing;
We huddled in a group hug and nobody said anything for a moment. I’m the tall one, so I rested my cheek on the tops of their heads.
Goodbyes are hard, but I thought of how one goodbye brought me the hello that became these two sweet friends who always sharpened me, sought the best for me, and prayed with and for me, and I smiled.
I said goodbye and it hurt my heart. I know such sweetness in the life I’m currently living. For the first time ever, I feel comfortable in my skin and confident in who I am. It’s hard to speak against the voice that says “why in the world would you want to leave this?!”
At this point, I’m not afraid of the journey or what may happen when I go. I’m afraid of what happens when I get back. With things as good as they are now, I’m fearful of that changing. I’m fearful of my puzzle piece changing and the big picture of life here changing and no longer fitting in so perfectly to the slot where I’ve found love and belonging.
But, I argue with myself, think of all there is to gain. Think about real community and the depths I hope to traverse with this new tribe I’ve found myself a part of. Think about Jesus and his command to go out into the world and his promised blessings for obedience. Think about the fact that I get to 1) Spend a year focused on growing in The Lord, 2) Travel the world, and 3) Have a platform to write about it from. It’s the equation for my dream life; I get to spend a year living my literal life’s dream.
Goodbye’s are hard, but I’m trusting the hello’s are going to be better than my wildest dreams. So cheers to World Racing and I’ll talk to y’all on the other side of launch!
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1 day until launch, 81% funded, May we greet this season with joy and determination!
