Has there ever been a point in your race that you’ve wanted to give up? How did God pull you through? If not, why do you think God has shielded that from you?
[Shout out to Sharon for the question!]
I have numerous conversations on the brink of tears with friends whose hearts are heavy from all we see, who are having a hard time seeing the point in the day to day, or who simply miss home after a rough day. Some have these feelings every month for different reasons. Similar to that when you are in university, and the end of the week seems like it will never come. It is not a fault of theirs, rather a unique connectedness to home or something they are working through. I am blessed that these moments have been very few for myself. This is not to say that I don’t miss home, because if apparating to go back and forth were an option I would choose it. Yet, I believe God has given me such a strong heart for his work internationally that my heart finds peace in being a part of ministry overseas.
I also will not pretend to be stronger than I am. When in ministry overseas the wish to go home has arisen at times. Here are a few examples:
Awakening Fears
There was a month when a past fear was addressed. A fear I thought I had dealt with, but there was still much pain and doubt attached to it. Fear of gossip, fear of truth, fear of response, fear of myself and fear of failing those whose opinions I valued. All of this fear wrapped around something so small, yet, I felt like going home was the best way to avoid re-living the past. I had to face the fear head on, and the hardest part was I had to share the fear. I had to combat a piece of the fear, trust. Trust that those who had addressed the fear were doing so through the eyes of our Father.
There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18
Is there value in a month?
In building relationships it is hard to be satisfied with the surface level. There are times when I just wish to be a constant for the children of this world. A mother to those who have been left forgotten, a protector, a story teller, a safety net for their adventures. There are time I want to disciple a new friend long term without the need of facebook. At these times I have to remind myself that God’s has placed me in their life for this time, a short time, for a much higher purpose than I am aware. I am a firm believer that even our simple actions with those we encounter on the streets have lasting impacts. Don’t get me wrong, I have spun in circles about the damage that can be done from short term mission trips. Yet, I live firmly in the knowledge that our God works in ways far beyond the limitations of society. I know, someday, I will have time to pour into God’s children long term. One of the biggest lessons of the Race is to learn to find Joy and choose Love in the moment, every moment.
Missing yet another wedding.
There have been large events I have missed back home during this journey. Dear friends weddings, a best friend having a baby, my nephews first year on this earth, engagements, friends loosing parents, health problems amongst my family, friends loosing their homes, moments where friends needed some face-to-face comfort and encouragement, moments where family needed to be protected from dangers, and much more. These moments are often the hardest as I realize this is only a year, and I hope to live overseas long term. Doubts build as I wonder if I could leave my family and friends for so long. I wonder if I chose the wrong year to leave.
All of these fears, doubts and longing are built on the idea that I need to protect my friends, and that I made the wrong decision. The “I” problem. God is protecting my family and friends, and while I am sad I could not be there for big events I trust in the truth that our friendships are deeper than distance. I also know that God has me here, right now, for a reason, and trusting in that is my greatest comfort.
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me,
If only I may finish the race
and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me
the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.
~Acts 20: 24
Dessert with Grandma
On the World Race we build up this community of feedback. A community that revolves around growth. At first I idolized this idea of such a Christ centered community. I wondered how I had never experienced it before. It only took a month or so for me to come to my senses, realizing I have been blessed by such a community. My dearest friends create that community, and specifically my grandma. Nearly every day my grandma and I sit together for a meal and do just that. It may not look exactly like the World Race where we often sit down and say “feedback time”, but our conversations revolve around the same concept. We challenge each other, we speak joy and truth over each other, and we do life together. Feedback is in its best form a display of true friendship. Missing those times with my grandma is challenging, specifically in the first month with a new team when everyone sits safely above surface level.
In these challenges I have been awakened to how blessed I am, and also to the blessing of the community I currently live in. While I miss these conversations with my grandma, I know we will have a lot to talk about when I return home, and Skype (calling landlines) is an amazing gift!
The overarching lesson from my greatest moments of weakness on the Race has been realizing that in my weakness God – not friends, family or a specific location – is my source of strength, joy and purpose.
“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for…in detail. Ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person.” ~Thomas Merton
