A New Year.
A fresh start.
New Years Eve is a time for reflection and for celebration, or so all of the good “New Year’s” blog posts start. It never fails that this time of year our social media feeds are full of declarations and reminders of the goodness of the last year and the excitement of what is to come in the New Year, and rightly so. However, I’ve noticed a trend this year where most of us are ready to kiss 2016 good bye, and not look back, and I’ve got to say, I can definitely relate. #sorrynotsorry
As I have been thinking back on this last year and all that is has entailed, I can see now how it was nothing like what I wanted-or expected- it to be. I didn’t expect to still be living in the frozen tundra of Northern Maine one year later after returning from the mission field. I didn’t expect to be living in my parents house at 28 years old, working a “normal” job that is great, yet also not ministry related. And if I’m really honest, I didn’t expect to be lonely even amidst friends and family that love me.
For me, 2016 has been marked with disappointment and failures. I’ve let several people down and have cause hurt in the process. Fear and discouragement have been my constant companion. I’ve struggled with pride, stubbornness, and fear. The only thing that I can see when I look back is how I was not the person I want to be in 2016. And I’ve let that weigh on me terribly.
I’ve cried. I’ve hidden. I’ve fought God with everything that I have and I’ve put myself under condemnation for it. I’ve struggled to force myself to “snap out of it”, and I’ve prayed. Oh, have I prayed. And that’s where change began to happen.
Out of all the disappointments and so called “failures” that I’ve experienced, they have all (eventually) driven me to a place of desperate prayer. Over time, I exhausted my own energies, my own ability to “handle things and take care of myself” and all that striving and hurt brought me to the feet of my Savior. And slowly, prayer melted my stubborn heart and finally began to allow Jesus in to heal and renew. How grateful I am, that “when we are faithless, He is faithful.” (2 Timothy 2:13)
So yes, 2016 may have included many disappointments and failures. But the end of 2016 is marked by hope. Hope that as I trust in Him with all my heart and not trust in my own ability to understand, that He will guide me. ( Proverbs 3:5-6) He has never left me nor forsaken me(Joshua 1:5), no matter how much I may have pushed Him away. He has great plans for my time here. And it’s time I finally embrace that fully.
You see, this month also marks one year of living under one roof. That’s the longest time I have lived in one place since 2010. That’s six years. I’ve lived the nomadic life for sure. But what I am only just realizing is that I have been spending my time here in Maine living, yet always ready to leave at a moments notice. I’ve been wanting to “put down roots”, yet it’s like I always have a packed bag waiting by the door, just in case something “better” comes up. By looking forward to the next thing or the next big move, I have often missed the beauty and wonderfulness of what’s right in front of me. And I regret that.
Yet at the same time, I don’t. Even though this past year was hard and painful, I believe it has changed me for the better. By not fully embracing my time here, It’s helped me to see what it truly means to remain present. By not allowing God to help me at first, it’s shown me that I can never truly make it on my own. And by not responding to people or circumstances in the best of ways, it’s shown me how I want to respond in the future. We learn from disappointment. We learn from failure.
2016 has helped me see who I don’t want to be, so that I can fully embrace who I really am, who He has created me to be. And that’s the hope of 2017. To live more fully in Him, closely walking with Him, and allowing Him to continue to bring more healing and freedom into my life, because who Christ sets free is free indeed.(John 8:36) And there is not greater hope that that.
May 2017 be filled with Grace and Love and hope for you.
To God be the glory,
Kay
