Here I am again, flat on my face. Confusion and doubt have plagued my mind these past two weeks. As tears of frustration flowed freely from my eyes, I asked myself “How did I even get here?” . Without hearing an answer, I can sense in my spirit that this is His Will for me.
This season at the Center for Global Action has been amazing, but it has also been challenging. I have grown so much, and as we all know growth often isn’t the most comfortable thing. It’s a hard place to be in, the refiner’s fire. It’s hot, and it’s easy to fear the flames that seem to be able to consume me in a moment. They make me sweaty and exhausted. But most of all, the flames make me so thirsty.
The Lord has been revealing to me deep wounds that I have, some I didn’t even realize were there and others that I thought we had taken care of already only to find out that there is more work to be done in it.
It’s a frustrating thing to return to a place that you thought you had left behind for good. The pain became too much for me to bear. I felt like I couldn’t stand the flames any longer. One more minute, and I would surely die.
All I have wanted to do was run. I’ve wanted to run from this space, from my friends, and all that are dear to me. When I felt the flames rising, the first thing I would envision in my head was physically running out of the place I was in.
I didn’t want anyone to see me in a vulnerable place. But one can only run so far before losing the strength to keep going. And with a few public burst of tears, I realized that I was finally breaking. After trying to go on my own strength for so long, I didn’t have anything left. All control was gone. I felt alone, I felt like He didn’t see me in my struggles. And I didn’t know what else to do but cry.
I was in a desperate place. My soul was thirsty for Him, and with a promise of more healing and more freedom, the Lord soothed my aching heart. “Just a few more minutes.” I could hear Him say.
It’s hard to choose to stay in a painful space. When everything within you just wants relief, maintaining your position within the fire is extremely challenging. But with the few drops of faith I felt I had, I stayed. In desperation, I surrendered to His Will. And within the fire the Lord finally brought breakthrough.
It happened at church Sunday morning. A few friends and I were going to a church, called Victory Church, for the first time. From the moment I walked in, I could feel a sense of expectancy. Something I hadn’t been able to feel in the past two weeks.
The Presence of the Lord was in this place. Worship was amazing. It was so easy to enter in and I could feel the Father wrap His arms around me. The worship leader ended it with a call and prayer for healing. As he began, I could feel excitement rising from within me. The Lord had given me so many signs from the moment I walked in to that church that He was there, that He saw me.
In desperation, I cried out. I asked for relief. I claimed healing for my soul. And He met me where I was at.
All the fears and hurts that had consumed my mind over the past few weeks, in an instant they were gone. I could lift my head high. Shame and frustration left. Joy returned. Peace filled my mind. In a moment I went from feeling slightly downcast to having a great smile upon my face. It was incredible. In it I found myself asking the Lord, “What do I have to do now to keep it this way?”
“What more needs to be done? My child, this is a gift that I freely give to you. You have done nothing to earn it, nor can you. I am a good Father, that gives good gifts to His children. If your earthly father knows how to give you good gifts, how much more so do I?” (Matthew 7:11)
I was stunned. It didn’t make sense to me. And He told me that I didn’t have to understand. It didn’t have to make sense to me, I just needed to receive it from Him.
At Victory Church, the Lord gave me victory over these wounds. He showed me that by His stripes, I am healed, that He has the power to remove these things from me. And that He did.
I thought of the Israelites and how they would write things down and build altars of remembrance, so that they could tell the stories of how the Lord delivered His people. I wanted to remember this moment.
So I bought a coffee mug. 🙂 V for Victory.
Every morning, I will be able to drink my coffee and remember how the Lord delivered me from my past wounds and how He called me into freedom.
“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” -Isaiah 53:5
I think that the Lord still has more healing for me. He always has more freedom, but I want you to know that He can do the same for you! Rejoice, my brothers and sisters, for He has more for you still! 🙂
