Cambodia has been a month of frustration for me. God has been refining me. He has been revealing changes that I need to make, changes in myself that He wants to make because He is making me more and more like Him. It has not been a very pleasant experience. But it has been necessary. And it is good. It’s not fun, but it is good. God has started a work in me. Before I even knew Him, He’d started His work. He is continuing His work and He will continue it until completion.
“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
Before I left for the race, God told me that worship would look differently for me this year. I was really excited about it. I have a huge heart for worship. It’s one of my favorite ways to connect with the Lord. There’s just something about worship with song and music that brings the Lord’s Presence. I love that feeling.
When God told me worship would be different, I expected it to be more different just because of culture. I was (and still am) super excited to see how different cultures worship. However, what I wasn’t expecting as “different” was silence. Lately, when we’ve gone to worship the Lord through song, I have not felt the Lord’s Presence at all. I’ve felt so disconnected from the Lord. I would pray. I would try to sing. I would journal. I would read my Bible. Every single thing just felt like a big dud. It was so annoying! Then, one of my teammates preached a sermon on perseverance.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
I understand the importance of perseverance. Coming from an athletic background, persevering has been a huge part of my life for a long time. I knew that I needed to persevere through this frustration. I just didn’t know how. I had a “head knowledge” of why I needed to persevere, but I did not feel it in my heart.
I know that worship is more than a “feeling”; that God is here with me. I know He never leaves me nor forsakes me. I was so frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t “feel” His Presence. Then, during my devotional time this morning, God showed me another verse.
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by it’s own choice, but by the will for the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.” Romans 8:18-21
No, it is not my choice to be frustrated. It is not my choice to undergo suffering or hardship. But after reading this, I fully believe that this frustration I’m experiencing now will bring liberty and freedom for me and glory to the Lord.
I realize that my act of worship has been based mostly on feelings. But the Presence of the Lord is so much more than a feeling. It’s more than an “experience”. These things are all good, and I fully believe in them. But where I’m at right now, the Lord is showing me that He’s so much bigger than that. Whether I “feel” His Presence or not, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 15:8
Worship will be different this year and that’s ok. Even if I don’t “feel” it now or even understand it fully, I know that God uses all struggles to help bring us closer to Him. I prayed for a more intimate relationship with Him. If this is how He needs to do that, then I will receive that with open arms. I will persevere through the frustration, knowing and trusting that God is working it out in me. I will stop holding onto the way I used to worship. He is stirring something new in me, and I am “waiting in eager expectation”.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
Grace and peace to you from Cambodia!
Kayla
