Once I knew I was accepted for the World Race, I was (and still am) beyond excited. There are many things that I know God is going to do in and through me during this trip. I want to see souls saved, lives changed. I want to make an impact for His Kingdom. Along with all of the wonderful blessings that we so often think of when embarking on a missions trip, there was one lesson in particular that I knew I was going to face: humility. I know that during this wonderful adventure, God is going to humble me more than I have ever been humbled before…. and I embraced that. I want to be humbled. I want to see life through His eyes, not my own. I want Him to break my heart for what breaks His. However, I was not anticipating this humbling to begin before I even left California. Let me back up a little bit so that I can explain.
You see, right now I live in sunny Southern California. I, however, grew up in cold, wintery Northern Maine. I have been living in California for a little over a year now. I've been working, and working, and working. It's expensive to live out here! Anyway, once I was notified that I was accepted for the World Race, I began praying about the financial aspect. ($16,000 is a lot of money!) I prayed about the provision, which I know God already has taken care of, as well as whether I should continue to live in So. Cal. or move back home to Maine for the remaining months prior to launch. After a few days, the Lord really put it on my heart to move home. It doesn't make sense as far as fundraising money goes, but I trust Him and so I am moving home. Sometimes God calls us to things that "don't make sense" to us. I am excited to see how He moves in these next few months, as well as to spend that time with my parents, whom I miss dearly. In less than two weeks, I leave California and make my way east to Maine.
As these two weeks started drawing near, I decided to put my car up for sale. I had a friend help me list it on Craig's list and waited to hear from people. I figured, if I sold it early it would be ok. I live within walking distance of my work and my church, so I'll survive. What I did not expect was for God to move so quickly. My car sold within 4 days! Praise God!! With the sudden sale of my vehicle, I quickly became aware that I had taken having my own transportation for granted… and so the humbling process began. In a moments time, I went from being completely independant to partially dependant on other people for rides to places I could not walk to. And it bothered me that I had to ask for rides. It bothered me that I could not go where I wanted to go when I wanted to go. And so I asked God, "Why is this bothering me so much? Why is this so hard."
The Lord answered me. He began speaking to me, showing me how I had looked at myself before: strong and independant, able to take care of myself without the help of others. He lovingly revealed to me that I had a deeper seeded pride rooted in that "independance". I was indepedant and darn well proud of it! He made me aware that I was even considering myself indepedant enough to only need Him when things were really tough. And my heart broke! "Papa, I don't want to be independant of You. I need You, every moment of every day! I want to be so dependant on You that I can't do anything without You. Break my pride, break me apart, Lord. Even now, before I leave this country. I cannot do this alone. Help me to accept the help of others, teach me humility. Give me a humble heart, O God, that I might serve You better."
As I cried and repented of this pride, my heart started to change. I saw my situation differently. There may be people I am supopsed to encounter and talk to along my many walks, people I may have just driven by if I still had my car. There may be opportunities to speak to my co-workers about Jesus as they drive me home. Who knows what God has in mind for these next few weeks of walking everywhere. Then I realized that God has been working in me all along in preparation for this race. It would not just begin when we launched, but right here, right now. Changes are happening. God is revealing those places inside that still need healing, that still need His gentle touch. And so I am embracing the humility, embracing His direction, knowing that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him. My God is here and He is ACTIVE!!!
