Do you ever have those times in your life when you think you know what you’re supposed to do, but nothing seems to work out?
Over the past year and a half, I’ve been plagued with this feeling. I felt God wasn’t letting things happen for me, when I knew He had lead me to the World Race. Nothing was coming through, I was discouraged, few were interested in aiding me.
I grew angry with God. “Why would You set me on this path, only to abandon me? Where is Your power in this? Why are You not helping me in making this happen? Has this all been a lie?”
I had been through 2 different squads, and was going nowhere. It’s been beyond frustrating seeing people rallying behind my squadmates (family and friends that are so excited and eager to help), when my family is quite disinterested, and even at times antagonistic, towards me going on this mission trip. Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for my squadmates, and I wish them the world, but I just don’t know why it had to be different for me.
I was reaching the deadline for my 2nd route, and realising that it just wasn’t going to happen. So I had to sit down and really take a look at my life, and have a heart to heart with God. He made me realise what He’s been doing this whole time, and I’ve just been too thick-headed to see.
Since I was about 9 years old, I’ve been suffering from depression, and over the past 7 years, it has become crippling. I was hoping to rely on a change of scenery and change of pace, doing something I love, to pull me out of that (the WR), but God has been digging His heels in. Why? Because I need to get help HERE. The problem is within me, not outside me in my surroundings. If I’m suffering here, I won’t be able to commit to these lovely people of the world. How can I show them Christ’s Joy, if I’m so disconnected from it? I’d be doing us both a disservice.
So I’ve started seeing a therapist, and it has been working wonders. I’m starting to feel more hopeful, starting to connect again.
I’m on a third squad now, and I actually think 3rd time might be the charm! We’ll see, but regardless I’m seeing beautiful change. Here’s to squad #3: July 2015 Route 3!
