I am very, very glad that God has placed me in a squad that offers such beautiful support because, frankly, I’ve been plagued with self-doubt and worry.
For one, with my blogs, I feel like there’s a line I’m flirting with between complaining and being raw and open with whomever reads these. I have stopped myself from writing many a blog because I don’t want to seem like one of those negative people who can’t see the beauty around her. I truly do see God’s blessings, and I’m seeing them more and more in the generosity that is coming from the most unexpected places. So thank you for that, God. =)
Seriously, any feedback on whether I’m just complaining would be welcome. =P
It’s been really hard, though. Worry and self-doubt are things I deal with pretty regularly, but it feels like it’s been amped up significantly over the past few months. Constantly wondering if I’ve been reading everything wrong… am I supposed to do this? Who wants to support me, anyway? Some people have been generous, but come on. Thousands of dollars?
Quite frankly, it’s also been quite difficult seeing the beautiful support systems my squad-mates have in their families, where that has been a particular trial that God has blessed me with. I’m not trying to diss my family at all… I love them, I truly do! They are a beautiful part of my life, and I wouldn’t trade a single one of them for anything. But… some of them have made it very clear what they think of me doing this. Quite frankly, what do you say when a close family member tells you that (basically) you could go to Hell for going on this trip?
That has made me second guess myself a lot, even though I feel that this IS, truly IS what God is calling me to do. I’m going to be touching lives, helping people… is there anything truly evil in that? My heart is for the Lord in this venture. It’s not to go on some vacation, and I really, truly do understand the difference.
I think there was a line there, and I might have crossed it, haha. I guess I just want to be able to look back a year from now at this blog and see how far I’ve come.
And now for the happy part of this blog.
I really am so blessed by God. People I wouldn’t expect have come forward to support me.
I’ve been losing weight at this new job, which I feel is a preparation for the WR! Yay! =)
My aunt, who is a nun in California, was able to visit our family for the first time in years. We had a beautiful heart-to-heart talk one night that was filled with so much grace and peace! She repeated to me over and over again that I am worth it. This is such a beautiful and necessary thing for people to hear!
My uncle and aunt were VERY generous in giving me a back pack, and I am so, so excited about that! I feel like it was an important first step, and now I’m excited to be purchasing more equipment!
My handsome boyfriend bought me a leather journal for the WR as a birthday present, and I am absolutely in love with it. So yay for that, too!
All in all, where God has blessed me with trials, He has also blessed me with happiness. Praise Him.
“A guy needs somebody- to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain’t got nobody. Don’t make no difference who the guy is, long’s he’s with you. I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an’ he gets sick.” ~Of Mice and Men
