Home. I’m finally home. It’s like I never left and that The World Race was all a long dream. I’d like to say that everything about being home has been sensational and astounding but I would lie if I told you that. Being home has had its perks but it’s a bitter sweet. I miss the mission field. I miss the kids that became my children and I miss my squad, my family.
Being home feels the same as before with just a few minor modifications. Driving down the road looks the same except there are a few new stores and restaurants. My house is the same but has a few improvements.
I think one of the hardest parts about being home is the thing I feared the most in the beginning. That is that in some ways the people here are the same but they aren’t the same. When I left I knew that they wouldn’t put their life on hold so for the most part they have changed, obviously. Everyone has been proceeding with their life and some how I have to jump back in, which is a lot harder than you’d think.
I’ve been going to church, going out to eat, getting my nails done, shopping for a car, and going to doctors appointments. I’ve been doing the things of a “ordinary” person and it is all but fulfilling and satisfying. As I’m going throughout my day I find myself thinking “what am I supposed to even do? What now?!”. I find myself sometimes feeling alone even though there are hundreds of people around me.
Adventures in Missions told me this would happen, that I’d possibly lose my since of purpose and feel alone.
Before the trip if I found myself in this position I would normally try and run to people, who were my comforts. But now I find myself saying “I just need to talk to God about this”. I find myself constantly talking to him and trying to trust him. I have prayed for him to be my peace and comfort and I truly believe that he is becoming that.
On the race I struggled with letting Him be my comfort and provider and I believe this is the trial to test all God has taught me. I’m so glad I have a God who is faithful to me because without Him this transition would be unbearable.
Driving home from my first recurrence to church I felt the most empty I had yet. I don’t know if I can explain why – but that’s not what I’m going to talk about. As I was driving I was having a pretty intense talk with God. All of a sudden I got a flash back to the beach. The beach in Guatemala, the beach in Malaysia and the beach in Africa, Florida and California, and all the other beaches I’ve yet to see. I was confused what this had to do with my current talk with God. The one thing I noticed that was similar throughout all these beaches is that they all had waves. They all have different sand, different colored water, but they all had waves (big and small.)
Then Isaiah 43:1-4 came to mind – “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go dowjn. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end— Because I am GOD, your personal God. That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.”
God then told me 2 things.
1.) just like the verse says “when I’m in over my head God is with me, in the rough waters I will not go down, and when I’m in a hard place it won’t be a dead end. God is good and faithful and he has given me comfort through this verse.
2.) also I’m in the ocean. Not physically but spiritually and mentally. In storms waves are constantly crashing, arising and vanishing. I feel like I’m in a real small boat in a huge storm, going up and down and all around. Sea sick from all of the emotions. Sometimes it gets a little choppy (turbulent, rough and stormy). And with one word like in Mark 4:39 I know that God will tell my storm “peace, be still”. And just like that the storm will vanish. But for now, I rely on God and must face this storm, for it is my destiny.
God is bigger then my storm. I might feel like I’m drowning or in over my head and very overwhelmed but God is my captain. (Hillsong’s song captain should become my theme song.) for the last time – God is faithful and will be by my side through this storm. I’m thankful for this storm, for one of my favorite things to do at a beach is watch the storm roll along the sea and finally see it fade away and to see the sun shining on the beautiful blue ocean. “Peace, be still.”.
