I’ve tried to write this blog so many different times over the past months. I’ll get a few sentences in, and then quit. Because in all honesty, this is one of the most difficult ones to write.
Then, I found something I typed up mostly as a form of processing. I wrote this as I was coming to terms with things, not really for the public to read. But, these paragraphs of processing do a better job of telling the whole story, I think. And so, here it is, for you to read.
October 5th, 2015:
When I first moved to Guatemala last year, I had no idea what I was doing. I was hesitant at best, anticipating what the Lord would do. But I was skeptical. I decided to go for three months, and planned to escape at the end of the summer, back to America and the safety of my environment there.
Then, something strange happened. I loved it in Guatemala. I loved the community I landed in. I loved the new facets of the Lord I was experiencing on a daily basis. I loved the country, it’s beauty and culture. I didn’t want to leave.
The face of a girl who loves Guatemala!
I remember deciding that I would stay longer, through the end of the year. And when it was confirmed that I had enough funds to make that happen, I immediately found the Lord leading me to make a heart commitment to go on staff following my internship.
I remember being on the phone with one of my close friends, struggling through the process as I found myself committing to indefinite. That was all I ever knew about Guatemala time-wise, though…indefinite. I had external voices telling me other things…one year, two years, five years, life. But the only thing I ever knew from the Father–what I knew from the start of those original three months–was that this was indefinite.
I grew a lot. I cried, I laughed, I struggled. I questioned everything–who I was, my worth and value, what I had to offer, how God saw me, what God would do in me. Everything.
I grew immeasurably in those first seven months. It was hard and it was painful, but it was also so beautiful! I was stepping into deeper levels of intimacy with the Lord, and at the same time, deeper levels of confidence in my identity.
One of my favorite adventures while living in Guate–the infamous trip to Nicaragua! Next time you see me, ask for the full story. ha
I went home at the end of the year to begin the process of fundraising for staff. It took a lot longer than I had hoped, and it was a lot harder than I expected it to be. A LOT harder. I once again questioned everything. Why was I going to Guatemala? Was I really called there? Why? How?
And in the questioning, I found a certainty. In the certainty, I found a confidence. This was where the Lord was leading me, and I was more sure than ever. He began to plant dreams in me of what my time in Guatemala could look like. He gave me the dream of telling the story, of spreading the word of what He was doing there, the stories of His miracles and His provision. He also called me to worship leading.
Pastor Les and The Bridge Christian Fellowship praying for me before my move back to Guate
And, upon my eventual arrival, I dove right in. I built a website. I developed a blog. I started a social media page. I told our story, and I believe I developed a powerful platform to continue that. I led worship for dozens of people, and continued to grow in confidence in that. I brought things to the table that others couldn’t, and built things that could last.
But, the indefinite still has an end. It’s an end that isn’t known to us, but it’s still there. And my indefinite is coming to a close.
It doesn’t make any sense at all, but then it makes every bit of sense. The Lord has been igniting passions in me. I’ve been growing in confidence in what I have to bring to the table. I have this burning passion to get to try out being an adult.
I am seeing now, in hindsight, why the Lord brought me here in the first place. I came here to grow in a protected environment. I came here to grow up. I came here to give my skills and talents. But there comes a point where you must take a leap.
Gabe, dressed up as Harry Potter for my 24th birthday.
I’ve been so protected and well cared for the last year and a half. I’ve been loved unconditionally. I’ve learned under teachers that I get to call friends. I often don’t feel like it, but I’ve been entrusted with much.
I’ve built systems that will last, that have spread past this place and into others. That is the power of the Lord.
In my recent trip to Texas, some things shifted and changed. I felt it coming. I anticipated that something significant would happen on that trip, but I never could have guessed what it was.
Texas Tour 2015, with my best friend (and fellow World Racer!) Payton. I’m thankful to Adventures for the amazing friendships I’ve formed over the last four years!
Upon my arrival, I felt…home. I always said I could see myself moving to Texas. Maybe it was years of watching Friday Night Lights, but I loved it there before ever even going. I loved the state pride. I loved the massive size and variety. And sure, it isn’t as pretty as the Pacific Northwest, but there’s a beauty in the ordinary, too.
I also loved the freshness of it. I know a handful of people in the State. It’s a growing handful, but it’s just a handful. There’s an excitement at the opportunity to go somewhere where nobody knows me, where I can have a fresh start and make a life fully for myself. There’s a power in community and people you have history with. That was the other theme of my Texas Tour. But I don’t think it’s an either/or for me. I can have the freshness of a brand new place, and the gift of community with my handful of old friends and a whole crop of new ones.
Nobody in my immediate family has ever lived in Texas. I would venture to guess nobody in my distant family has, either. That’s a legacy waiting for me to build it.
When in Texas, you’ve gotta learn to shoot SOMETHING! Thanks to Tom Rowell for teaching me to shoot a bow!
And it’s scary, a little, looking at the idea of starting somewhere new. Where will I live? Where will I work? What will I drive? How will I afford life?
But the Lord’s provision is in it all. His provision got me to Guatemala, and it will surely get me to my new home. His provision isn’t limited to the mission field. It isn’t limited to those with ministry titles. He loves and provides for all of His children. He is the one guiding me in the first place!
Mafer, one of the amazing friends I’ve made living in Guatemala! She’s a World Racer now, on Gap C. And I stole her glasses.
And this all might not make any sense, but on the flip side of things, it makes perfect sense. It really does. When all the signs are pointing to no, and God is pointing to yes, what will you do? What will I do?
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December 7th will be my last day living in Guatemala. Coming to this conclusion was one of the hardest decisions of my life. But, I will leave with confidence that I accomplished what I came to Guatemala to accomplish.
January begins the new adventure. In January, I will road trip down to Texas. My final landing point will be Austin, Texas. I have more questions than answers about what things will look like, but I have a great anticipation, peace, and excitement of what is to come.
I will greatly miss the insane beauty of this place!
To my amazing supporters—thank you for investing in me. Its been more than four years now since I started my journey with Adventures in Missions. Y’all have made it possible for me to serve in over 15 different countries. How amazing is that? You’re a part of this. I couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you.
Stay tuned for a couple more blogs as I wrap up my time in Guatemala and say goodbye to Adventures in Missions. And, if you’re in Georgia, Washington, California, or Texas, I’ll see ya soon!
