it comes in waves.
sometimes, its a lurch of the stomach, gone as quick as it came.
sometimes its a leap of excitement that sparks a memory, and i share it amongst friends.
like when georgia wiped my snot with her sweater.
or when danielle and i got pedicures in an alleyway.
or those watermelons on the bus to moldova.
i love those moments, having that opportunity to remember it all, relive it all.
but over time, it has settled in as this dull ache, deep inside my spirit.
an ache to leave again, to experience it all again.
to be out there ‘doing it’ and living that vagabond life.
its an ache to be amongst my community, my people.
its funny, because some of my best friends in the world only spent eleven months with me
but really, they know me better than most people who’ve known me for years.
and they can relate to me on a level that nobody else ever could, even if they tried.
its a shared experience that comes at great cost.
the ache inside longs to be with my Jesus.
it longs for the intimacy we shared on that rooftop in india
and the ones in malaysia, nepal and thailand too.
(there were a lot of rooftops)
that hotel room in Siem Reap, in the middle of the night
and amidst those half-built houses in ukraine, crying out to God
“how great Thou art! how great Thou art!”
and then weeping in the corner, longing for more of His presence.
intimacy that filled the pages of multiple journals
and songs shouted at the top of my lungs.
and in response, sweet whispers to my spirit.
i worry that it didn’t change me, that i’m the same as when i left.
but how could that not change me?
how could i not be a different person?
the things that satisfied me before, even when it comes to God, just don’t anymore.
worship music seems bland and distant when its not accompanied by flags and shouts
and i get claustrophobic when i don’t have space to move around.
i was talking to a friend the other night about how i felt about worship these days.
about how i reached such a depth that what i see around me isn’t deep enough.
its like eating at mcdonalds after experiencing a five star restaurant.
you know what you could have access to, so what used to be so good just no longer works.
i don’t want to sound like a snob, or a whiner.
i love anacortes, i love the churches i’m involved with
and i have some pretty incredible friends around here.
i know God has me here for a very specific reason,
and i’m doing the best i can to live that out.
but the ache is still there.
and i have a feeling it won’t go away.
at least, it shouldn’t go away.
that ache is what reminds me of what i could have.
not in the selfish way, or the ‘stuck in the past’ way
but in the way that spurs me forward, to keep seeking more of Him
to walk out His will,
to love His way and not my own.
its what reminds me of what is possible when you trust Him
and when you love others like He loves you.
its what gives me the courage to pray the dangerous prayers
and to look for the miracles some don’t believe He can accomplish.
to bind up the broken hearted
and release the captives
to love the rejected, hated, beautiful, ugly, popular, invisible, poor, rich.
on earth as it is in heaven
until Kingdom come and thats where I am.
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”-CS Lewis
