I'm halfway into month 10 of The World Race. That's 9 1/2 months of living out of a backpack, having travel days each month that involve hours on a bus, train, or plane, and never knowing what your next living conditions or days will be. And the weight of it is hitting me. This month, I am living in a village an hour bike ride outside of Siem Reap, Cambodia. It is HOT. My new look entails constantly looking like I just stepped out of the shower – only I'm dripping with sweat instead of water. And the nights don't provide any relief. It has made sleep a challenge.
So yes, I've officially reached that place of being beyond exhausted, tired, and weak. My heart and my spirit are dying to finish this race strong, but my body and mind are running on empty. I feel like I'm running in track again, trying with all my might and strength to run faster, to keep enduring, but my body can't keep up and I fall further and further behind in the race. In all that I do, I end the day feeling like what I did wasn't enough.
In addition to feeling physically out of it, I am feeling emotionally and spiritually dry and weary too. I can see evidence of God's work and His presence in my life all around me. I don't feel it though, and that's a hard place to be in.
Isn't that where I'm supposed to be though? I didn't sign up for this trip to enjoy smooth, comfortable sailing where I'd be able to love and serve easily with a perma-smile on my face. I came to get my hands and feet dirty. I came to struggle and persevere through the smelly outhouses and giant bugs, to be challenged in my faith, to be tested and tried. To reach my limit and realize that wasn't really my limit as I go flying past it. I came on this trip to experience God's refining fire. It's a tough spot to be in though. And it's a frustrating time to be in such a place because this month's ministry is great. I am at a school that teaches English and computer classes to the village kids. The kids are always full of smiles and so willing to learn. The people running this school are wonderful people. They are spoiling us with nice beds, a bathroom with both a toilet and a shower, and delicious food. The surrounding area is beautiful and we have the freedom to bike around and enjoy such beauty. I want to give these people my very best, but instead I am only offering a portion of me, a tired and empty portion.
In my sweaty, sleepless nights, God has been reminding me that He is the same God no matter where I'm at. I may not feel Him, but He is still my shepherd. He has me and He won't let me go. He is watching over me.
That's really what this race is about. I came on this race with the idea that this would be my big oportunity to make a difference, to change lives. Yes, that has happened on this trip. But I've realized that this is just the beginning of that. This is just 11 months. It is just one small chunk of what God has in store for me. This has been a time of preparing me for the rest of my life. So where I'm at now, is all part of the process. And I can roll over and say I'm done, I'm too tired, I'm going to ride out the next month and a half until I can be back in my own bed. Or, I can continue taking steps of faith, trusting that God will carry me through this. That in my weakest moments, His power will be made perfect. I'm confident that by choosing to put up a fight and persevere, that it will only better equip me for what God has planned for me next – the immeasurably more than I could ever imagine.
I may be slowing down in this race, my legs may be reaching that point where they start to get wobbly and slow down, but I'm going to keep running. Even if I have to be that runner who's all over the place just trying not to wipe out. Or that runner who does actually wipe out and goes limping across the finish line (yeah, we've all watched it happen and it's always a bit awkward to watch).
And To be honest, I wouldn't want to be in any other place right now. I'm exactly where I want to be. I will keep fighting for this because it's worth it, and because I know that however hard I'm fighting, I've got a God who is fighting even harder. I know my labor in the Lord is not in vain.
