As badly as I wanted to go to bed tonight, I couldn’t sleep. (When I can’t sleep it’s usually I sign God has some things He would like to tell me.) I was thinking about all the things I needed to do. My mind raced with anxiety and I started making mental lists of all my tasks I had signed up for. I have done it again. Filled my life with unrealistic expectation… I haven’t said no in a long time.
I have come to the conclusion that I am a “yes” man… girl. I agree and say yes to a lot of people. I take on a lot of responsibility and make my life a crazy rollercoaster full of appointments, play dates, and to-do lists. There are a lot of degrees of approval-seeking in there along with the need to feel busy and productive… but I would say a lot of it is avoiding intimacy with God. I get busy with MY life and forget all about sacrificing my life for what He wants. I’ve realized that when I’m seeking God FIRST my life runs a little smoother. Not because of a lack of tasks, or because with God life doesn’t throw its fair share of disappointments but because of presence of peace. Right now I’m really seeking that peace.
Preparing for this race has taught me a lot about hearing Gods voice and seeking Him FIRST, BEFORE I make choices. It’s been a rough road but an awesome testimony. This week (past few weeks) I have been stressed with time and money. The topic of fundraising (how and when to do it) always seems to crowd the forefront of my mind and soon becomes my goal… THE goal, instead of missions. Somehow I switched into a race with the clock… instead of a race for the lost. My heart just sank a little.
I am praying for wisdom, intensity, focus and peace.
