sometimes the race is ugly.
sometimes ministry is exhausting.
sometimes community is tough.
sometimes you even question The Lord.
but all the time, He is there.
sometimes He answers quick.
sometimes you don’t even feel Him there.
sometimes He’ll say no.
but all the time, He has your best interest at heart.
{Aren’t we so beyond grateful that even when we are faithless, he is so incredibly faithful}
***
Ya’ll last month I can promise you with closed eyes and an open heart I met Jesus face to face.
I saw the beauty in His creation, in the mountains, in the snow, and in myself.
I simply realized that the God of all creation, all creation ya’ll, wants to pursue me.
and He did, in every way He did.
In the way the snow would glitter,
in the shiny rock road that led us to a cotton candy sunset,
and in the way He continuously loved me in the little things.
Ya’ll I experienced God on those Himalayan mountains like I never have before.
So naturally, coming into Romania I was super crunk.
I was ready for Him to show up and show out.
To continue to pursue me and bless me because HE loves me.
Because that’s what He does right?
Yes, He loves me.
But because He loves me,
and desires more for me,
this month has looked a lot different.
And for all of you who think the Race is for the spiritually eloquent people who are super righteous, think again. I still struggle the same, actually probably more than I did before.
***
I have not heard God himself all month.
I have heard him through other people,
and have seen Him in things.
But I could not feel him.
Until now…
You could smell the mold covered walls as you walked in the door.
The floors covered in filth,
but in that filth lay a woman.
A suffering woman.
Along with the fluid already building in lower limbs,
She had open sores all over her legs.
Her breathing was so heavy, yet her smile so light.
You could see a lump in her throat when she would breath in deep.
And you could feel how hard it was for her to just genuinely survive.
Ya’ll my heart literally broke for this woman.
He wrecked me hard.
He is still wrecking me, right now, as I write this.
We got down on our knees and began praying for this woman.
I don’t remember what I prayed, but I do remember how I felt.
Cause I can still feel it now.
I wish I could tell you that this woman was running around filled with thanksgiving from the healing she experienced, but I can’t.
I wish I could tell you that even now, a few days later, I didn’t still feel this way…but I can’t.
***
After that house visit I was unable to go into the next house.
I stayed outside, fighting for Lady Valy.
Praying, weeping, desperate for The Lord to heal her.
My prayers were not pretty that day.
They were filled with questions.
I was filled with hopelessness.
And that’s when it happened.
I gave up.
I gave up who I was.
I gave up on eloquent words.
I gave up on what “healing” should look like,
and in that the Lord brought me to a place of wreckoning.
In my brokenness, The Lord revealed himself to me.
Ya’ll life without Him life is meaningless.
It’s passionless.
It’s lonely.
It’s tough.
It’s unclear.
It’s just plain empty.
I had been focusing on life after the race.
I had been focusing on dreams He has given me for the future.
Not recognizing or living in the current dream He had given me.
Which was one full of beauty.
Beauty in the people,
In their country,
and in their hope.
He cannot not use me to bring hope to the hopeless,
when I am not resting in that hope, in Him.
That day He brought hope to the hopeless,
but the hopeless was me.
