“I will go, where you want me to go, I will do what you want me to do…I will go, where you want me to go, I will be who you want me to be…”
But then there’s that last line: “But I cannot carry it out.”
When it comes down to it I’m still human, and I’m still American, and I’m still learning how to “do” what little good I can. I hate that I still desire physical comforts like cleanliness or cool air or my favorite indulgence, an iced latte. I hate that I don’t have the energy to be outside in the sun all day long, playing down in the dirt with the kids, getting on their level. I am frustrated by my desires to withdraw. Wouldn’t I be a better missionary if I ate every meal alongside the locals, the same rice and beans they’re eating three times a day? Wouldn’t I be a better missionary if I could completely forget that cold coffee exists? Wouldn’t I be a better missionary if I could love these children and play with them regardless of the heat or humidity or dirt or bugs? Wouldn’t I be a better missionary if I forgot about having “days off” and lived and worked right alongside these Nicaraguans just as they do?
“For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”
God has brought me to Candelaria to show me something. He has brought me here to serve, I believe, but to truly enter into that service I need to learn some things first. Like the fact that I can’t do this in my own strength. (After only two days in Candelaria I was so exhausted I crashed around 9 pm). Or the fact that I cannot ignore my own history or culture, or the fact that I’m still a sinful human with selfish desires.
My teammate Krystle pointed it out well this morning. We’re pretty popular here in Candelaria–people want to just spend time with us (allll the time) and be our friends just because we’re from the USA. (Which is a fantastic foot to start off from for ministry!) Anytime we step outside our door there are people we can chat with. Jesus, too, was incredibly popular just about everywhere he went for three years. He was so pressed by crowds that he had to get into a boat to preach from offshore; he rarely had time alone with God, his father. Always being asked to heal the sick, raise the dead and teach, he didn’t have much of a break. But I can´t be Jesus, after all.
As I live life in Candelaria, I hope and pray that God will teach me a little more about being like Christ by helping me lay down my selfish desires and inhabilities to ¨be all that I can be.¨ He has given me this desire to serve and to do good things in this community…now I learn to rely on Him to carry it out within me. Not my own might. By His.
